No Religion Equals No Recession

I'm not an economist by any means, so I don't pretend to consider myself an expert on the current recession from which we're suffering.

However you don't need to be an economist to realize that if you hadn't spent thousands of dollars donating to the religious institution of your choice, you'd still possess that money.

And I bet you could use it right about now.

As zealous as some of you religious folks are, I have a strong suspicion most of you fall short of donating the Bible-required 10% of your earnings to the church. But let's say you give 5%. Now let's say you've been doing so for 20 years and have made, on average, $50,000.

That's $50,000 more you'd have in the bank right now! And even if you did spend a portion of that money on yourself, you most likely would have made it back in interest. So that's a grand total of 50 G's you'd have to spend on food, clothes, and other essentials needed to make it through tough times.

Or perhaps you're still doing okay, despite the recession. Then you could have used the $50,000 to add on to your front porch so you'd be more comfortable sitting there on Sunday mornings drinking cups of piping hot coffee while watching the poor fools in your neighborhood go to church and ask God why they didn't have any money.

Is it irony that the above prayer would be answered, were there really a God, "Because I took it."?

Now let's say nobody gave any money to churches and multiply that $50,000 by 500,000 would-be church going adults. That's $25,000,000,000!

Let's say most people spent their portion of the $25,000,000,000 wisely; saving some and spending some to increase the quality of their life on this earth, the only life, mind you, that they're scientifically certain will take place. In that case, the loss of religious institutions wouldn't affect the economy in the least. In other words, the contractor who added the rumpus room to the church wouldn't lose the work because individuals with more money in their pocket would hire him to add rumpus rooms to their homes. That wouldn't equal the money he or she spent on church throughout the years, meaning some would be left in the bank for a rainy day, i.e., now!

Of course politicians who must run as Christians or risk being burned at the stake, I mean risk being soundly defeated, can't suggest everyone stop giving money to their church, or that churches give money back to those who have donated faithfully over the years.

Instead one political party accuses the other political party of being in favor of too much regulation, to which the other political party responds, "Not enough regulation is how we got into this mess!"

As a result of these petty arguments, nothing is resolved.

You know how people blame violent behavior on guns, bad diet, global warming and other weather patterns, video games, movies, etc., when the true reason behind most violence that takes place now, and has taken place throughout the centuries, is organized religion?

Well, the reason we're in this current financial mess is largely due to organized religion's stellar ability to legally con you into giving up a hefty portion of your paycheck.

Organized religion is the gift that just keeps on giving...

So Help Me Loch Ness Monster

All the talk regarding the botched Oath of Office, that officially made Barack Obama the 44th Christian in Chief, was about how Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed his lines, thus causing Mr. Obama to flub his lines, which may or may not have meant that the Oath was null in void.

Nobody focused on the last four vile words, "So Help Me God."

For those of us who don't believe in the myth that there is a higher power, it's a little unnerving that the President of the United States asks an imaginary figure for help with the most important job on the face of the planet. I mean I'd be scared if the guy who took pictures at the DMV asked for God's help in performing his duties. "God, help me focus the camera so I don't have to do a bunch of retakes." I would rather he or she just asked their supervisor for assistance.

The problem is that President Obama doesn't have a supervisor.

Bush basically governed based on conversations with his God and look where that got us.

Just like prosecutors use vague laws to indict people that didn't violate the spirit in which the law was written, politicians can use vague words said by their God to make horrific decisions that affect millions of people.

If some Muslims can use the Koran as justification for the murder of children, while others can use it to declare their chosen faith is, "The Religion of Peace," we can easily tell that people will interpret their book any way they choose.

In other words, most people don't let their book guide them; rather they guide their book. And the Muslim example is a good illustration of how religious folks go from one extreme to the other.

Look at some of the very real and very crazy things religious people claim their books teach; claims that others of the same religion say are asinine.

"My religion teaches me that the power of prayer will cure my child's malaria."

"My religion teaches me to marry Suzy, Jane, Jennifer, Wanda and Paula. And he wants me to have lots of children with each, though I can't even support myself financially."

"My religion teaches me to kill anyone who does not believe in my religion, even if we're talking about children who can't comprehend the notion of a higher power."

One of the major criticisms of Barack Obama during the campaign was his affiliation with Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Reverend Wright said things like, "God damn America," and, "The US of KKK."

The problem is, those doing the criticizing were followers of the same religion!

This is yet another example of a person who follows a certain book appalling followers of the same book with words spoken in a religious setting.

So basically we have a situation where every Federal official who takes the Oath of Office can claim they're doing certain things in the name of their religion. And how they interpret their religious text is, "a very personal matter that should not be questioned."

I suppose it's too much to ask that our elected officials ask for help from mythical creatures that have at least been spotted.

So help me Mokele-mbembe.

The Randomness of God's Rules

One of the things that puzzle us atheists about Christianity is the unquestioned worship of a God who lays out laws which largely make no sense.

The reason the framers of the Constitution are considered great is because their writings were based on reason.

Had the U.S. Constitution included things like, "No man should talk to his wife between 4:15 and 4:30 on Tuesday," we might not think so highly of them.

I'm not saying the Constitution, or the work of any man, is perfect, but it's surprising how many men have created laws that made more sense than God, yet He is supposed to be the perfect one.

Certainly there are some Commandments I can get on board with.

"Though Shall Not Kill."

I'm good with that.

But what about homosexuality?

There is no reason for it to be wrong, yet the Bible says it is.

They say arguments can be made that the chances a child succeeds in life are greater if they’re raised by a man and a woman, but it really comes down to the people involved.

So to say homosexuality is wrong based on the above argument is to say, "I'd rather have a straight drug addicted couple raise a child than a loving homosexual couple."

So the flat out argument, "Homosexuality is wrong," makes no sense and has no basis. And the fact that your pastor has always told you homosexuality is bad really isn't an argument.

Let's talk about an actual Commandment.

"Though Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife" (It basically says don't covet anything belonging to your neighbor, but we'll stick with wife.)

Now remember that covet doesn't mean trying to get the sloppy drunk wife of your neighbor in a room alone at a party so you can feel her up.

Because to attempt such a vile act is clearly dead wrong.

Coveting is looking out the window as many times as possible while the wife of your neighbor is out jogging in her sports bra and saying to yourself, "I wish I could join her in the bathroom for her post-jog shower."

There is really nothing wrong with the above because it is a very human feeling.

And why do you have those lustful urges? If you're a Christian you believe it is because God put them there.

Why would God put urges in your heart and tell you said urges are horrible.

Is it good parenting to have the following conversation with your child after giving them a toy?

Parent: Do you like it?

Kid: It's awesome; you're the best mom (or dad) ever!

Parent: Don't play with it?

Kid: Why not?

Parent: Because I said so.

Kid: I don't understand.

Parent: I know; you just have to have faith that I'm a good parent.

Kid: I have to have faith that you're a good parent, even though you're making a bunch of rules that don't make a lot of sense right now?

Parent: Correct.

Kid: Why'd you give me the toy then?

Parent: To test your love for me.

Kid: How does it harm you if I play with it?

Parent: It doesn't.

Kid: So why can't I play with my shiny new toy? I want to so badly!

Parent: Oh, it's also wrong of you to have a yearning desire to play with that toy. It's worse if you actually follow through; but it's still wrong that you want to.

Kid: But by putting the toy in front of me you caused me to have the urge. If you don't want me to do something, why give me the urge?

Parent: Again, to test you.

Kid: You want to make sure I don't do, or even have the desire to do, something that's not evil, will not hurt you in any way, simply because you say so? There is no reason, logic, or thought behind your demand, yet if I don't follow your instructions I am doing a very bad thing and failing to have faith in your parenting skills?

Parent: Correct.

Kid: So your bad parenting is supposed to give me faith that you're a good parent?

Parent: I'm glad we understand each other. And you may not get where I'm coming from now, but pretty soon you'll be extremely thankful I'm a New Testament parent.

But We've Never Attacked the Methodists!

A lot of Christians become appalled when you bring up the fact that organized religion has been responsible for horrific brutality throughout the ages.

"But the folks in my congregation have never taken up arms and invaded the Methodist church across the street," the loyal Baptist says. (Unfortunately the commandant, "thou shall not lie," prevents the militant Church of Christ person from saying the same thing.)

So, by that logic, if someone started yet another modern-day Nazi Party and didn't brutalize a specific religion or harm anyone in general, it'd be fine and dandy, right?

"No, the Nazi's before us were the ones that slaughtered six million Jews, we just give them dirty looks when we ask them for loans," is what they'd say to justify their existence.

But the truth is organized religion has been responsible for many massacres throughout history.

They just take turns.

A group of extreme Muslims are now using their Holy Book to murder the innocent.

And though it's a relatively small group of Muslims, it still represents a continuing trend of religiously likeminded people getting together to kill people who don't believe the contents in a certain book are of a factual nature. Not only that, they even go after people who interpret the book differently.

I really don't how to combat this age old problem when all the books in which they believe tell them that people who don’t buy into every word printed in said book are unworthy of life.

While I'm certainly not one for censorship, it would be difficult for me to vote against replacing all the passages in Holy Books that talk unfavorably about non-believers with something to the effect of, "If someone doesn't believe in the words you're currently reading, it's their loss. Who needs 'em!"

Or even better...

"If someone doesn't believe in the words you're currently reading, be nice to them and perhaps your kindness will cause them to ask questions about the specific religion that produces such friendly people!"

That would at least stop a few zealots from killing in the name of their religion as the above is very difficult to misinterpret.

However it wouldn't solve the problem entirely as some would read the part about being nice to the non-believers and claim the verse was an attempt at reverse psychology. "In saying 'be nice to them,' it's saying, 'kill them!'"

Or some smart nut would convince a bunch of dumb nuts that the verse was attempting reverse psychology.

Just think about how many lives would have been saved throughout the centuries if none of the Holy Books had been written.

Therefore, for the purpose of saving lives, you'd think we would get rid of these killer books.

Or at least make a horror movie about them.

"What's lurking in your bookshelf is thirsty for blood..."

But instead we pass them onto our children with a cute little inscription in place of what should be a stern warning. They proceed to pass them onto their children, who pass them onto their children, etc.

And though radical Islam is what we're accustomed to hearing about these days, we're likely only a couple centuries away from the day when radical Scientology is the number one enemy in the War on Terror.

Timing is Everything

I don't understand why people that proclaim to be gods, or at least conduits to gods, are usually believed to be totally and completely legitimate as long as they meet one requirement...

That they lived hundreds of years ago.

Today, if someone told you they were a god, or closely related to a god, you would likely advise them to seek psychiatric help. In fact, I'm sure nut houses across the world are full of individuals who make a similar claim.

If you lived in Biblical times, why would it be any different? Of course if you lived in Biblical times, you wouldn't see it as "Biblical Times"; you'd see it as "now."

True, Jesus was able to garner a lot of followers back in the day, a fact many people use to argue that he is the true Messiah.

But I choose to believe the reason no present-day person could be referred to as god by the masses is because we're all a little bit more sophisticated.

But even in recent times a few charismatic individuals have convinced others they were either godly, or so great that they should be blindly followed.

Remember Jonestown?

And besides, because of Christianity, 80% of you out there already have that position filled.

"You're god?" Christians ask a modern day person claiming to be holy. "Sorry, I've already got one of those; go offer your crazy to someone still taking applications."

So I suppose that would only make us atheists more sophisticated now-a-days.

I mean, if the parents of Christians wouldn't have instructed them what to believe, they'd still be looking to fill that void in their life, and would want something to hope for.

And what helps them believe in Christianity is that its origins are so long ago, and during a time so ancient that we can't even fathom day to day life. Therefore someone going around claiming to be godly doesn't seem so far-fetched.

They won't say it publicly, but I'm willing to bet that most non-Mormon Christians look at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and facetiously think, "Yeah, right; some guy named Joseph Smith, Jr., who lived in the 19^th century, was visited by Angels. What a crazy loon that guy must have been and how gullible are the Mormons for believing such a fable!?"

Yet the story they believe is SO much more fathomable because it happened further back?

Makes no sense when you think about it.

I Happily Wish You a "Merry Christmas"

Merry Christmas!

Sorry, I hope you didn't do a spit take with your morning Joe after realizing that a real-life atheist just wished you Merry Christmas!.

The truth is most atheists are fairly normal people. You probably don't realize just how rational 99.9% of us are because the folks at Fox News have done a good job in portraying us as crazy zealots who won't rest until the word "merry" is never again uttered directly before the word "Christmas."

The attempt by Fox News to brand us as insane is equivalent to me portraying everyone in the Christian religion as having the same qualities as members of the KKK. The KKK brands themselves as Christians after all.

I will even go as far as wishing you Merry Christmas in a Christmassy color...

Merry Christmas!

In case you missed it; let me bold it and increase the font...

Merry Christmas!

Yes, it would be nice if there was a holiday during which you could return the favor, but I’m okay with that fact that you need a week or so where it's all about you!

I mean there is obviously insecurity that dwells deep within you which causes you to seek the comfort of a religion that tells you you'll forever live in bliss should you happen to believe a specific book contains facts.

So you need Christmas.

You really need Christmas.

Merry Christmas by the way.

I can even appreciate some of the fantastic things Christmas has given us.

It’s a Wonderful Life – Great movie! Just because I'm an atheist doesn't mean I don't believe in hope, love and togetherness! I just believe in getting together to laugh and have fun, as opposed to getting together to pay my respects to something that doesn't exist.

A day and half off work – Almost makes me want to say praise Jesus!

So, unlike the few atheists insistent on getting press this time of year, I choose to take a stance of strength.

I am content to live my life without a specific time of year where everyone celebrates my beliefs and I get angry with them should they choose not to greet me in a certain way.

You, on the other hand, are emotionally unequipped to deal with an entire year going by without everyone taking a few days to focus on your religion.

In fact, you remind me a lot of my good friend's toddler. Every time the little tike does something he deems worthwhile he holds up his creation and won't stop nagging until you say something to the effect of, "I love it; you did a good thing!"

So in the spirit of the Season, let me just say, "You are good people who believe in virtue; not bigots who discriminate against those with whom you disagree."

Feel better?

In the words of the wise Bart Simpson, "Christmas is the time of year when people of all religions get together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ."

Well Bart, you can count me in!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Gay is the New Atheist

First of all I want to say that were I a resident of California, I would have voted "no" on Proposition 8. In other words, I am in favor of gay marriage.

However, I get the feeling the homosexual community believes they now have a monopoly on non race related discrimination.

Excuse me, but last time I paid for a sandwich I didn't see any catchy pro-heterosexual slogans on my money. "I'll have a turkey club on whole-wheat and a small soda. Four-fifty, no problem, let me just pull out a five spot with, 'Sex Between a Man and Woman Feels Great!' printed to the right of Honest Abe's nose, and then you can give me back two quarters, each with 'Heterosexuals Do It With Natural Lubrication,' printed underneath George Washington's chin."

Yet, 'In God We Trust' remains on all U.S. currency.

With all due respect to the homosexual community, the fact that they have civil unions or domestic partnerships instead of marriage really doesn't make a whole lot of difference as they're basically the same thing.

Especially in California, where the domestic partnership law is very strong, gay couples really don't face obstacles other than the tears that come from the emotional strain of not being able to introduce themselves as husband and husband, or wife and wife.

Perhaps I'm a little jaded when it comes to this issue, but after being left alone to fight against the rights of atheists being trampled in a nation that overwhelmingly believes in the existence of a deity, I am not ready to have sympathy for another group who claims rampant bigotry.

President-Elect Barack Obama, a man who I support, is not even progressive enough to cease the practice of ending his speeches with "God Bless America." Sure, I'd be more sympathetic to the gay marriage struggle if Mr. Obama instead concluded his speeches with, "God bless Americans in heterosexual relationships." If that were the case, perhaps we could even team up!

And don't get me started on hate crime legislation.

President-Elect Obama has indicated he will quickly expand hate crime laws to include sexual orientation. While I applaud this, I wonder why he hasn't declared his desire to see the law expanded to include atheists. (Sure, hate crime laws already include religion, but we all know it means theists harming other theists for believing in the wrong deity.)

The expanding of hate crimes legislation would mean that if me and a homosexual are standing at a bus stop together and I am beaten beyond recognition by a religious fundamentalist because I am an atheist, and the homosexual is beaten beyond recognition by a religious fundamentalist because he or she is a homosexual, the person who had unleashed fists of fury upon the face and body of the gay individual would receive more time behind bars than the person who disfigured me. Heck, they'd probably let my tormentor off the hook with a, 'Thank you for doing to that atheist what this badge prevents me from doing!'"

Again, I don't oppose hate crimes legislation being expanded to include gender, sexual orientation and gender identity; I simply want it expanded to include gender, sexual orientation, gender identity and atheism. And until those pressing for the passage of an expansion include atheists, I'm not too interested in helping them out when I've suffered so much since publicly declaring my atheist beliefs.

Let's examine the struggles we atheists go through on a daily basis: Reading about all the past theist leaders of America in our history books, our future progressive President choosing to exclude us at the conclusion of his speeches to the country, the money we exchange for goods and services being plastered with religious phrases, and having to watch nearly every sports figure in America point to their god in thanks after doing something good on the playing surface.

Being an atheist I normally take liberal positions, and that's why I favor gay marriage. So why write a column critical of the homosexual community when all they're doing is fighting for equal rights, you ask. Because atheism is a lonely life; and our isolationism makes us prone to take our own stance, regardless of whether or not it puts us at odds with people with whom we usually agree.

Perhaps I should be a big person and reach out to others who face discrimination, but the pain in my heart causes me to be constantly fearful said outreach will only be met with more bigotry.

Do You Realize Everything Will Be the Same?

How many of you on either side of the political aisle truly believe something magical will happen if your candidate gets elected?

I think the country gets so caught up in Presidential elections because we assume a victory for our candidate means our lives will suddenly be transformed into some sort of fairy tale.

But regardless of who wins, come January 21st, 2009 you will have the same crappy job, be forced to pay the same exorbitant bills, drive the same ratty car, and be acquainted with the same group of ne'er-do-well friends.

If you're one of those unemployed people who don't enjoy working, neither Presidential candidate will somehow find you a job that "doesn't feel like work."

In other words – your life is not going to change.

You "believers" truly feel that everything but you control your life!

If you were hired by your current employer after January 20th, 2001 does that mean that George W. Bush got you the job? Or do you have the job because you applied for it?

Something tells me it's the latter.

Because I bet if Al Gore were elected in 2000 you'd still have that job. While had you not applied for it...

Maybe most of you know this, but neither Barack Obama nor John McCain will create a single job!

I'll put it another way: Unless they start a business using their own money while in the White House, a President will never create employment opportunities!

The only Presidential candidate that could influence me into thinking he could create jobs is John McCain, who could do so by promising to take some of his wife's 10-trillion-dollars and open up a little coffee shop outside the White House. He could call it "Café 1600" and hire 10 recent college graduates to run the place! That, above any of the current job creation plans, would get my attention.

His press conference would be simple... John McCain: I will create jobs as President.

Reporter: How? John McCain: I'll take Cindy's money, open a coffee house, gather a bunch of prospective employees and point to the ones I like while saying, "You're hired, You're hired, You're hired, etc."

And I'm not saying this in a partisan way either. If John Kerry would have promised to do the same with Teresa's money, I'd have fully supported his efforts.

This piece is not meant to be negative; I'm just trying to warn you that everything will remain exactly the same for you if your candidate is elected President in November. You'll be excited for about five minutes and then all of a sudden say to yourself, "I have to go to work tomorrow where my boss will tear me a new one if I am unable to foresee his every want and need, just as he has for the last eight years."

Then you'll get frustrated because everyone to whom you owe money will still want to get paid.

"But my candidate got elected, and he promised a brighter future for everyone with a salary similar to my own," you'll explain to the bill collector.

"But if you don't pay me, my future will fail to be bright," the bill collector will correctly respond.

I realize a lot of you are treating this election like a sporting event and, while you want your team to win because its members share a like worldview, realize no matter who takes office in 2009 your life will remain in a constant state of sameness.

And to take the sports analogy one step further: most of you who truly believe a victory by your candidate will mean great prosperity for you and your loved ones, while a victory by the other guy will result in poverty for all, are probably a lot like my cousin Richie, who swears a victory by the New York Jets once made him so happy that his sinus infection disappeared.

I sh*t you not.

So remember; it's not about a higher power guiding your every move or a god-like politician somehow making it easy for you to be successful; it's about you getting out there and making something of your life – because you are the only person (or being) looking out for you.

We Don't Need a Higher Power to Know it's Wrong to Harm Our Fellow Man

One argument for a higher power revolves around the notion that a higher power gives us a sense of morals. Without "God" we would have no concept of right and wrong.

Really?

Without "God" we would fail to realize that making people suffer was bad? We would beat someone up, leave them for dead and take their money, but have no idea we had just done something immoral?

Really?

The only true crimes in this world are deeds that hurt someone else. Sure, there are "crimes" made up by society which take place without injury to another person, but those victimless crimes are only "crimes" because of a fictional book called the Bible.

Take prostitution. Why is it a crime? Because the Bible says it's wrong. Does it harm anyone? No. Is it legal in some places in the world, even in some parts of the United States? Yes. Is anyone born with the knowledge that prostitution is immoral? No; it has to be force-fed by thousands of hours of church services and Bible studies.

Sure, there are health concerns with prostitution, but government regulation could make it very safe. And there are health concerns with a myriad of perfectly legal activities, so that argument doesn't fly.

Name me one crime that all sane people think is wrong, which does not involve harming anyone.

That's right, you can't.

Even the drug war is bogus because the only people hurt are hurt because drugs are illegal and therefore a dangerous business. But if people want to harm themselves with drugs, who are we to stop them? Hey, I don't recommend shoving a pencil in your eye but don't think we should outlaw the practice if children should become addicted to the rush of graphite puncturing their corneas.

Do you "believers" really think if it wasn't for "God" you would be unsure whether or not it was wrong to randomly punch a stranger in the face for no reason? That you would have no empathy for the person lying in the ground screaming, "You broke my nose! The pain is unbearable!"

Maybe I'm crazy, but I give myself all the credit for coming to the realization that it's wrong to harm my fellow human being.

I know you believers like to credit a higher power with everything, but maybe you should pat yourself on the back the next time you walk by a little old lady and refrain from beating her up and taking her purse, because maybe you had a small hand in your decision.

Allow Me to Punch You in the Face with Some Sound Financial Advice

First off I'd like to say that you're all idiots.

Because of your belief in religion, the country is on the verge of collapse after Congress passed a $700 billion bailout package – also known as the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.

The reason we're in this mess is because you let people who pour water on their cereal purchase homes!

Mind if I ask you a question?

Why did you do that?

Because it's the Christian thing to do...

I understand your belief in the Bible is strong; and helping the less fortunate is a great concept – but we wouldn't be in the current catastrophic predicament if people lived by this simple creed: If Jesus would approve of a fiscal policy, do the opposite!

Always remember that you believe Jesus fed a lot of people by performing miracles; miracles that He could only do because He is the Son of God! You Christians don't believe you are the Son of God – so why are you selling houses to people who will only be able to pay for them if a miracle befalls their bank account!

And why do I have to remind you what you believe?! There is not a moment in my life where I ask myself, "Wait a second – do I believe in creationism or sound scientific reasoning? Hmmm, maybe I wrote my core beliefs down somewhere."

But I digress...

Perhaps you've all watched a few too many sitcoms where the family is saved from financial ruin through an incredibly unlikely turn of events. Problem is however; that incredibly unlikely turn of events that warmed your cockles was made up by writers!

And you people who bought homes you couldn't afford – raise your hand if you looked at your spouse before signing on the dotted line and said smilingly, "God will help us pay the mortgage."?

Keep those hands up – I'm not finished counting! Since 80% of the country is Christian it's going to take forever to get an accurate tally.

How'd that work out for you, by the way? The odds suggest maybe four or five you won the lottery, so the results weren't all bad! Nice job!

See, it's not about Republicans or Democrats screwing up – it's about 80% of the country fervently believing something that has no scientific basis.

And if you'll believe that; you'll believe spending money you don't have will somehow work itself out.

Well guess what – it didn't work itself out; and now I'm paying for your extreme gullibility.

So please, regardless of how you spend your Sunday mornings, absorb this financial advice I dole out with no tithing required...

Regular people: Don't buy s*it you can't afford!

And...

Politicians: Unless you're going to pony up the dough yourself; don't help people buy s*it they can't afford!

I know my advice may sting for a bit; but it should help us recoup enough of the money we lost so that some of us might possibly be able to retire by the time we're in our late 80's; and that'll certainly be pleasant.

While I am outspoken in terms of my belief that the universe was not created by a higher power, I'm not one of those atheists who hates religion with religious fervor. However I do think it's important to point out the dangers involved with putting people in power who are willing to believe in far fetched stories because it means they're likely to believe in miracles – and if said miracles don't come true... Well, you know the results.

Unfortunately I don't think things will change and I can already guess how they'll try to get us out of this mess...

They'll pray about it.

How Can all Sins be the Same!

What would you Christians say if your friends, the parents of two, informed you that they had doled out equal punishments to their children, one whose transgression was breaking curfew by five minutes, while the other's evil deed was selling crack cocaine to neighborhood toddlers?

Would you say, "Bravo; what wonderful parenting skills you've exhibited!"

Something tells me you wouldn't heap praise on your friends. You'd probably nod along politely until you were away from them, at which point you'd talk about what awful parents they were. You'd possibly even contemplate notifying authorities.

But wait a second, isn't equal punishment regardless of the crime what your religion teaches?

Rob a bank, kill a guy for looking at you funny, expose yourself to the elderly or oversleep and miss church on Sunday morning; it's all the same.

And how do you atone for your sins? Ask for forgiveness. That's it. Just ask. To return to the parenting analogy for a moment, let's say one of your children stole a quarter from a classmate and the other beat a smaller kid so badly he was in a coma.

Not only would you dole out the same punishment, but that punishment would consist of an apology. You'd say, "I want you to apologize for your string of brutal left-hooks to Timmy's face and I want you to mean it!"

The "I want you to mean it," part has to do with the fact that God will only forgive you if you are truly sorry for your transgression. If that's the case, and you are correct in your beliefs, you'll all have trouble on judgment day, unless you're genuinely remorseful for the very natural act of saying the lord's name in vein after slamming your finger in the car door.

All I can say is I'm glad our justice system, which is supposedly based on Judeo-Christian philosophy, does not work this way. Then it'd be what, 15-days for every crime?

I suppose you religious folks would be happy with Jeffrey Dahmer spending 255-days in jail, but I'm happy he got a tad longer sentence for his 17 brutal murders.

Are Prayer Requests the Perfect Crime?

Before we get started on this column I would like to use this opportunity to take a few prayer requests. If the prayer requests are granted, however, I will not be responsible for the consequences.

That might not be the wittiest or most original joke in the world, but it sure hits home with me.

I'm no virgin to church (calm down Christians, it's just an expression) so I know prayer requests are usually about very sincere matters and come from the heart. But what if "Old Testament God" is answering prayer requests that aren't exactly wholesome?

What if all the tragedies you see on the nightly news were caused because prayers were answered?

What if your troubled teen was successfully able to burn down your garage by simply praying that it happened? Because, according to your beliefs, you are all sinners, and sinners need to be punished. What better punishment than a destroyed garage with your prized SUV reduced to ashes? Who knows, maybe the SUV was your sin, and the transgression for which you admonished your teen wasn't actually a sin in God's eyes.

Whether it is your child, or your worst enemy, who unleashes havoc upon your life simply through the power of prayer, your only recourse is to pray harder. It's not like the courts will start prosecuting people for "requesting the higher power in which you believe to perpetrate illegalities against those with whom you are unfriendly." In other words, prayer is the perfect crime.

That's what makes the notion of prayer a little strange. I'm not against all prayer, I can understand how prayers of thanks can be very therapeutic, but requesting specific things from your god seems like an unusual practice.

I mean, wouldn't a religion that supposedly stands for personal sacrifice equate a prayer request to standing up and shouting, "Look at me God! Do what I want!? Ignore him; his kidney is fine; he doesn't need a new one! But I could certainly use that lottery money!"

So the next time you say a prayer, remember that your angry teen could be asking God for the subject of your prayer to be destroyed by a horrific natural disaster.

It's a slippery slope, and because you admittedly can't comprehend your God, don't you think it would be wise to just give thanks to whatever began the universe for all the gifts with which you've been bestowed.

If You Christians are Correct, I'm Glad I'm Going to Hell

Okay, let's say you're right.

Let's say the Bible is a completely truthful history book.

If that's the case then I am going to hell.

Am I depressed about the potential of an eternity spent in the deepest regions of the hoary netherworld?

On the contrary. And truth be told, if it were somehow proven that the Bible was accurate, I wouldn't change my beliefs.

But, "Heaven is perfect," you say.

Yeah, that's according to your religious teachers.

And what do religious teachers like to do most?

Teach religion.

The schedule for Heaven probably resembles the one listed below:

6:00 - Wake Up
6:30 - Breakfast Prayer
7:00 - Breakfast
7:15 - Morning Chapel (a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 1)
12:15 - Lunch Prayer
12:30 - Lunch
12:45 - Afternoon Chapel (a two-and-a-half-hour recap of the Morning Chapel session: a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 1, followed by a half-hour preview of Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 2)
3:45 - Speech by Moses (with introduction from Shadrach, Meshack and Abendigo)
5:00 - Five-Mile March
6:00 - Group Shower
6:30 - Dinner Prayer
7:00 - Dinner
7:15 - Evening Chapel (a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 2)
10:15 - Silent Prayer
10:30 - Lights Out

I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like a perfect day to me. The group shower is the only thing that might potentially be fun, but in Heaven I have a feeling things regress back to pre-snake days where being naked around each other is in no way erotic.

But hell, that's got to be bad, right? Actually all anyone says about hell is that you're away from God.

I've been away from God all my life and it hasn't been all bad. In fact, my existence is actually pleasurable. So basically I wouldn't mind going to hell if it were like my current routine. Sure my boss is kind of a d*ck and I can't afford my dream home, but it is hell after all, it can't all be peaches and cream.

Let's All Give Our Money to Things That Don't Exist

As I was walking through a Southern mall on Sunday I saw one of those Christian bookstores that sell Bible's and bookmarks with cute little religious phrases. Of course it was closed on Sunday, which prevented me from entering the establishment and rolling my eyes as I perused the material while making a few "Yeah, right" and "I'd like to see them prove that," comments.

It was then I realized that if this place was closed on Sunday they must be doing a huge business. Then I realized that in order for this business to do well, thousands of people must be paying lots of money to further their faith in something that doesn't exist.

In fact religious propaganda is a billion dollar industry. People pay a large percentage of their annual incomes to show the love they feel for their imaginary friend. You know what; I developed an imaginary friend in third grade. Her name is Prudence and she graduated with honors from Columbia University. If you give me some money I will make sure Prudence gets it.

Should I set up a Pay Pal account to make donating convenient for you? To think what my psychiatrist used to refer to as, "a potentially devastating long term mentally instability" could turn into a money making endeavor! That's what America is all about!

I am of course being sarcastic, but I just hate to see sheep-like-people give their money away to figments of their brainwashed imaginations. I don't have a problem with buying a Bible or a daily affirmation calendar, which I can see being somewhat inspirational and perhaps motivational, but I do have a problem with families sacrificing happiness for the hope that when they die they will go to a "happy place."

Would you really rather have four closets full of religious paraphernalia or that boat you've dreamed about since you were twelve? I doubt it was your life long dream to collect all 15,000 editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul and one can only own so many Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith albums.

Just go ahead and buy the boat. Buy the boat along with the Bible and read the Bible on the boat. You could cast your fishing pole, read Ecclesiastes 4:3, water ski, read Ecclesiastes 4:4, apply sunscreen, read Ecclesiastes 4:5....

There's no reason you can't have both a normal life and a few religious knickknacks to make yourself feel better as well as impress your churchgoing friends.

According to Christians: All Christians are Racists - Racist!

This just in: According to Christians, every other Christian (who doesn't believe exactly as they believe) is a racist.

That's right; every Christian just declared that every other Christian has the belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

Of course I pasted the definition of racism from an online dictionary for use in the above sentence.

Over the last few months the word "racist" has been thrown around with great regularity by those who purport that there is a god in heaven.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright: Racist... according to everyone on the right.

Father Michael Pfleger: Racist... according to Geraldine Ferraro.

Former Vice Presidential Candidate Geraldine Ferraro: Racist... according to Barack Obama supporters.

Barack Obama's Grandmother: Racist... according to Barack Obama.

Anyone who criticizes Barack Obama for his association with Reverend Wright: Racist... according to DNC Chairman Howard Dean.

So it doesn't matter which side of the political aisle you belong - you are a racist. And here you thought you didn't judge people based on the color of their skin. You should be ashamed!

Perhaps you've sensed a little sarcasm in my words. Maybe I think none of these people are racists, even if we don't share the same view on the notion of a higher power.

"I think African-American's vote for Barack Obama partially because he is half African-American." That statement, made by more than a few people of all races, makes the statement maker a racist, if the statement maker is white.

That's strange – it doesn't seem to me that a statement such as the one written above means the person who made the statement "has the belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race."

Even if it is horribly incorrect, assuming the motivation for someone else voting for Barack Obama is race related does not make the assumer a racist, unless the assumer added, "Why else would anyone vote for an African-American, they lack the brainpower to hold such a position of authority."

If an unqualified minority with a horrible attitude came in for a job interview, and got the job over a more qualified and professional Caucasian candidate, would you not think maybe the decision to hire the minority was based on race? If you answered yes then you are a racist.

By that standard, if an unqualified Caucasian man with a horrible attitude came in for a job interview, and got the job over a more qualified and professional minority candidate, and you pointed to the person doing the hiring and cried racism; you would be a racist?

But wait, wouldn't you be hailed as a hero if you assumed the white man hired the white candidate over the more qualified minority candidate only because he was white, even if the white man doing the hiring had never told you he "has the belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race."

So if you call out a minority for voting for a particular candidate simply because the candidate is of the same ethnicity of the voter then you are a racist. But if you call out a Caucasian boss for hiring a job candidate simply because he or she is of the same ethnicity of the person doing the hiring then you are a hero... Why doesn't this make sense?

I suppose it started years ago when it was declared that people who have been oppressed could begin changing the definition of words. As shameful as the sins of our country were, and continue to be in some cases, those who have been wronged should not be allowed to decide who is racist because we permit them to define the word as they see fit.

But now that they starting doing it; everyone has decided to join in. And because of that you have multiple instances of non-racist words and deeds being labeled as racist when they don't even approach the definition of racism...

If a man gets brutally beaten up by a group of thugs, does that mean he is now the one who decides the definition of brutal violence?

"You brutally beat me!"

"No I didn't – I was looking at my watch and accidentally brushed against you."

"I have been oppressed by a brutal beating, so now it is I who defines 'brutal beating,' and you are guilty of the crime."

Hey, as an atheist it would sometimes be nice to cry out "Anti-Atheist" anytime anyone questioned, criticized or didn't go along with everything I said, but instead of disseminating unsubstantiated accusations I choose to process what was said against me and rebut the argument with reasonable dialogue.

You Christians should really give that a try.

If Your Faith is so Strong, Why All the Campouts?

I do not believe in a higher power and am going on a campout with other people who do not believe in a higher power so we can reaffirm our faith that there is no ultimate creator.

If the above sentence seems ridiculous to you, how can the sentence, "I believe in God and am going on a campout with other people in my church to reaffirm our faith in God," be reasonable?

If you people have such strong faith, why do you go to such lengths to make sure you don't stray?

I believe mankind is ruining the environment and future generations will pay the price for our selfish actions, and I will continue to believe that, despite the fact that I've never pitched a tent with someone who feels exactly the same way.

In other words; if you have strong faith in something, you shouldn't need to go on outings to ensure your faith stays consistent.

I suppose churchgoers are worried one of their peers will eventually say, "I used to believe in God, but a lack of talking about my faith while roasting marshmallows and swatting away mosquitoes caused me to change my mind."

Might this be an indication that atheism is the truth and we are more confident in our faith?

Or will you believers deny the fact that true belief doesn't need to be reaffirmed every 15-minutes, or "when the weather turns nice."

So if you like camping; just go camping. Or, better yet, go camping with someone who doesn't share your worldview, because you just might learn something.

We've Officially Had One too Many Christian Presidents

In addition to being white men, most Presidents of the United States have been Christians. All believed in a higher power of some sort.

You read that correctly: the people we have always trusted to lead us are delusional AND gullible.

That's why it should be no surprise that our 43rd "Christian in Chief" actually governs based on the things God tells him.

I suppose we should be grateful. I mean, a fictional God is probably much smarter than the very real President George W. Bush.

The problem is, like Moses, we're expected to take President Bush's word for it. Moses said God told him about the Ten Commandments and we're supposed to believe him. George W. Bush tells us God told him to invade Iraq and we're supposed to believe him. Hmmm, I'm noticing a pattern...

Why not give an atheist a shot at the White House? An atheist would only be accountable to the people of the United States; not the people of the United States and the protagonist in an ancient book.

Christians are supposed to love God before all others. That means, up to this point, the vast majority of Presidents have put Americans on the back burner. They were elected to serve the people, instead they served God.

So basically we're the red-headed step children of President Bush and those who preceded him.

And this is obviously not a criticism of a specific political party; both Republican and Democrat Presidents have been church going people.

Seeing as how President Bill Clinton, a Baptist, disgraced the Office of the President by making love to a White House intern, and President Bush, a Methodist, waged an unjust war against... Okay, we don't have enough time to go through all the horrible, rotten, awful things President Bush has done.

But seeing as how both these men let us down, don't you think it's time we elected someone who actually puts our needs above their own needs or the needs of a Supreme Being. A Supreme Being science has never been able to prove existed.

It's shame there aren't a few atheists who are well known in political circles that I could mention as being potential leaders of the United States.

You see, the people in this country are so close minded they vow to stop all atheists before they can even establish a political career.

I know Christians; it'd be a shame to have to listen to someone who didn't tell you exactly what you wanted to hear, but don't worry; you'd still have Sunday mornings.