First off I'd like to say that you're all idiots.
Because of your belief in religion, the country is on the verge of collapse after Congress passed a $700 billion bailout package – also known as the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.
The reason we're in this mess is because you let people who pour water on their cereal purchase homes!
Mind if I ask you a question?
Why did you do that?
Because it's the Christian thing to do...
I understand your belief in the Bible is strong; and helping the less fortunate is a great concept – but we wouldn't be in the current catastrophic predicament if people lived by this simple creed: If Jesus would approve of a fiscal policy, do the opposite!
Always remember that you believe Jesus fed a lot of people by performing miracles; miracles that He could only do because He is the Son of God! You Christians don't believe you are the Son of God – so why are you selling houses to people who will only be able to pay for them if a miracle befalls their bank account!
And why do I have to remind you what you believe?! There is not a moment in my life where I ask myself, "Wait a second – do I believe in creationism or sound scientific reasoning? Hmmm, maybe I wrote my core beliefs down somewhere."
But I digress...
Perhaps you've all watched a few too many sitcoms where the family is saved from financial ruin through an incredibly unlikely turn of events. Problem is however; that incredibly unlikely turn of events that warmed your cockles was made up by writers!
Keep those hands up – I'm not finished counting! Since 80% of the country is Christian it's going to take forever to get an accurate tally.
How'd that work out for you, by the way? The odds suggest maybe four or five you won the lottery, so the results weren't all bad! Nice job!
See, it's not about Republicans or Democrats screwing up – it's about 80% of the country fervently believing something that has no scientific basis.
And if you'll believe that; you'll believe spending money you don't have will somehow work itself out.
Well guess what – it didn't work itself out; and now I'm paying for your extreme gullibility.
So please, regardless of how you spend your Sunday mornings, absorb this financial advice I dole out with no tithing required...
Regular people: Don't buy s*it you can't afford!
And...
Politicians: Unless you're going to pony up the dough yourself; don't help people buy s*it they can't afford!
I know my advice may sting for a bit; but it should help us recoup enough of the money we lost so that some of us might possibly be able to retire by the time we're in our late 80's; and that'll certainly be pleasant.
While I am outspoken in terms of my belief that the universe was not created by a higher power, I'm not one of those atheists who hates religion with religious fervor. However I do think it's important to point out the dangers involved with putting people in power who are willing to believe in far fetched stories because it means they're likely to believe in miracles – and if said miracles don't come true... Well, you know the results.
Unfortunately I don't think things will change and I can already guess how they'll try to get us out of this mess...
They'll pray about it.
