Before we get started on this column I would like to use this opportunity to take a few prayer requests. If the prayer requests are granted, however, I will not be responsible for the consequences.
That might not be the wittiest or most original joke in the world, but it sure hits home with me.
I'm no virgin to church (calm down Christians, it's just an expression) so I know prayer requests are usually about very sincere matters and come from the heart. But what if "Old Testament God" is answering prayer requests that aren't exactly wholesome?
What if all the tragedies you see on the nightly news were caused because prayers were answered?
What if your troubled teen was successfully able to burn down your garage by simply praying that it happened? Because, according to your beliefs, you are all sinners, and sinners need to be punished. What better punishment than a destroyed garage with your prized SUV reduced to ashes? Who knows, maybe the SUV was your sin, and the transgression for which you admonished your teen wasn't actually a sin in God's eyes.
Whether it is your child, or your worst enemy, who unleashes havoc upon your life simply through the power of prayer, your only recourse is to pray harder. It's not like the courts will start prosecuting people for "requesting the higher power in which you believe to perpetrate illegalities against those with whom you are unfriendly." In other words, prayer is the perfect crime.
That's what makes the notion of prayer a little strange. I'm not against all prayer, I can understand how prayers of thanks can be very therapeutic, but requesting specific things from your god seems like an unusual practice.
I mean, wouldn't a religion that supposedly stands for personal sacrifice equate a prayer request to standing up and shouting, "Look at me God! Do what I want!? Ignore him; his kidney is fine; he doesn't need a new one! But I could certainly use that lottery money!"
So the next time you say a prayer, remember that your angry teen could be asking God for the subject of your prayer to be destroyed by a horrific natural disaster.
It's a slippery slope, and because you admittedly can't comprehend your God, don't you think it would be wise to just give thanks to whatever began the universe for all the gifts with which you've been bestowed.
If You Christians are Correct, I'm Glad I'm Going to Hell
Okay, let's say you're right.
Let's say the Bible is a completely truthful history book.
If that's the case then I am going to hell.
Am I depressed about the potential of an eternity spent in the deepest regions of the hoary netherworld?
On the contrary. And truth be told, if it were somehow proven that the Bible was accurate, I wouldn't change my beliefs.
But, "Heaven is perfect," you say.
Yeah, that's according to your religious teachers.
And what do religious teachers like to do most?
Teach religion.
The schedule for Heaven probably resembles the one listed below:
6:00 - Wake Up
6:30 - Breakfast Prayer
7:00 - Breakfast
7:15 - Morning Chapel (a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 1)
12:15 - Lunch Prayer
12:30 - Lunch
12:45 - Afternoon Chapel (a two-and-a-half-hour recap of the Morning Chapel session: a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 1, followed by a half-hour preview of Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 2)
3:45 - Speech by Moses (with introduction from Shadrach, Meshack and Abendigo)
5:00 - Five-Mile March
6:00 - Group Shower
6:30 - Dinner Prayer
7:00 - Dinner
7:15 - Evening Chapel (a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 2)
10:15 - Silent Prayer
10:30 - Lights Out
I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like a perfect day to me. The group shower is the only thing that might potentially be fun, but in Heaven I have a feeling things regress back to pre-snake days where being naked around each other is in no way erotic.
But hell, that's got to be bad, right? Actually all anyone says about hell is that you're away from God.
I've been away from God all my life and it hasn't been all bad. In fact, my existence is actually pleasurable. So basically I wouldn't mind going to hell if it were like my current routine. Sure my boss is kind of a d*ck and I can't afford my dream home, but it is hell after all, it can't all be peaches and cream.
Let's say the Bible is a completely truthful history book.
If that's the case then I am going to hell.
Am I depressed about the potential of an eternity spent in the deepest regions of the hoary netherworld?
On the contrary. And truth be told, if it were somehow proven that the Bible was accurate, I wouldn't change my beliefs.
But, "Heaven is perfect," you say.
Yeah, that's according to your religious teachers.
And what do religious teachers like to do most?
Teach religion.
The schedule for Heaven probably resembles the one listed below:
6:00 - Wake Up
6:30 - Breakfast Prayer
7:00 - Breakfast
7:15 - Morning Chapel (a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 1)
12:15 - Lunch Prayer
12:30 - Lunch
12:45 - Afternoon Chapel (a two-and-a-half-hour recap of the Morning Chapel session: a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 1, followed by a half-hour preview of Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 2)
3:45 - Speech by Moses (with introduction from Shadrach, Meshack and Abendigo)
5:00 - Five-Mile March
6:00 - Group Shower
6:30 - Dinner Prayer
7:00 - Dinner
7:15 - Evening Chapel (a three-hour look at Deuteronomy, Chapter 1: Verse 2)
10:15 - Silent Prayer
10:30 - Lights Out
I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like a perfect day to me. The group shower is the only thing that might potentially be fun, but in Heaven I have a feeling things regress back to pre-snake days where being naked around each other is in no way erotic.
But hell, that's got to be bad, right? Actually all anyone says about hell is that you're away from God.
I've been away from God all my life and it hasn't been all bad. In fact, my existence is actually pleasurable. So basically I wouldn't mind going to hell if it were like my current routine. Sure my boss is kind of a d*ck and I can't afford my dream home, but it is hell after all, it can't all be peaches and cream.
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