Should We Raise Our Child Anabaptist or Prairie Saint?

I'm constantly amused at the thought of parents deciding to which church they'll drag their child. It's just funny hearing people debate what another human being will eventually believe.

Parents should have a checklist they discuss in great detail.

Q: Will our child be a proponent of gay marriage?

A: No, but he or she will fully support domestic partnerships. While adamant the definition of marriage remain, "a union between members of the opposite sex," our offspring will fight for the right of same-sex couples to receive equal benefits.

Q: Will our child believe government should provide entitlements to the downtrodden?

A: To a certain extent, yes. He or she will believe government should provide limited benefits to the underprivileged, but will worry perennial handouts stifle self reliance.

Because they have a burning desire to make belief-related decisions for their children, I suggest religious couples save a couple hundred-thousand dollars and simply purchase a used copy of The Sims! Or, if they're adamant they raise an actual child, why not visit an orphanage and say, "One Christian, please."

And why do parents stop at taking their children to church? I understand the preacher will convince the ankle-biters that homosexuality is a horrific sin, but there are many issues upon which Christians don't always agree. Therefore parents should force their children to receive tutoring from professors who share their opinion on other topics.

"What'd you learn in Sunday school today, Junior?" should be expanded to, "What'd you learn in 'If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns' school?" "What'd you learn in 'Desperate Housewives jumped the shark after they pretended five years magically elapsed even though every character looked exactly the same,' school?"

Discussing future beliefs held by children as if you're telling a computer salesman exactly what programs you'd like preloaded on your new desktop isn't the least bit creepy?

At least religious parents aren't asking geneticists to study the possibility of producing babies that will believe without question.

Or are they?

I can see it now... "Dr. Smith, we'd like our money back; we ordered a Methodist but instead received a neo-confusionist who enjoys dabbling in Balinese mythology!"