"I have a product that will make the purchase of paper towels forever unnecessary!" you hear from some shyster on television.
You initially say, "No way can a single product do that!" But by the end of the infomercial you've dialed the flashing phone number and before you know it have a garage full of Sham-Wow's.
"I know of a man who can grant you eternal happiness!" you hear on Sunday morning.
"No way can a man do that! Let me see him."
"He lived a couple thousand years ago and therefore couldn't make it to church today, but He'll be back!" the preacher continues.
"When?"
"We don't know - it's a mystery! What good deeds would you perform for an eternity of perfection?" the religious servant then asks. "Feed a group of starving children? Be faithful to your spouse? Pray eight hours a day?"
"Yes, for an eternity of perfection I would do all those things!"
"Well you don't have to," the preacher would continue to thunderous applause. "All you have to do is ask to be forgiven after you sin!"
"Wait a second, what's the catch - do I have to be one of the first two-hundred human beings to beg for mercy?"
"Nope, membership is available to all! But wait, there's more. Not only will you eventually be in heaven, the perfect place of which I previously spoke, but while you are there will never be forced to hear about how you're extremely naive in your belief of such a far fetched story, because the faithless saps on earth who will enjoy reminding you that your belief system lacks common sense, will all be shipped to hell!"
"You mean the annoying guy from work who objects to the entire company being forced to recite a prayer of thanks before we storm the employee kitchen in search of cold cuts and stale bread left over from the board meeting won't be in heaven to nag me, as he will nag me at work tomorrow, if I join your religion?"
"Yes - you will only have to put up with people like that for a few decades - then it is smooth sailing forever! But wait - that's still not all! Act now and receive thousands upon thousands of free friends!"
"I don't understand."
"See all the people sitting around to you? They are required to be by your side through thick and thin - as is every other Christian in the world! No more people rejecting you because you're unable to carry on an intelligent conversation! And the best part is you can ask them for loans, rides to the airport, or help moving boxes of your old clothes to storage! Sure they can say no, but since it's not a very Christian-like response, chances are they won't!"
"I'm sold; I will give up all rational thought from this point forward! Thanks preacher man - you put that Sham-Wow guy to shame!"
Then the preacher removes his mask to reveal he is the Sham-Wow guy!
Spooky.
You're a Great Person and I'm Sure Satan Will Love You
I don't understand why the one thing needed for admittance into heaven is in no way based on merit.
What if someone went before a judge and said, "I'm really sorry I randomly beat up everyone in that nursing home, but I believe you are a Holy Judge and therefore my actions shouldn't really matter."
"You're absolutely right," the judge would reply, before giving the man a free lifetime pass to Disneyland.
The next man on the docket would have committed no crime.
"Why do you stand before me!?" the judge would demand.
"I don't know Your Honor, I've done nothing wrong."
"Are you of the opinion I am a Holy Judge, as the last defendant believed?"
"No, I believe you're some guy who graduated from law school."
"You just got yourself a lifetime in the slammer!"
"But my actions have been continuously noble and I did nothing to warrant this unjust sentence!"
"You most certainly did – you believed something wasn't true simply because it didn't make sense, and also because you'd never seen any evidence indicating it was true. For shame - people like you are the reason the penal system is overcrowded."
That's not the kind of country I want to live in, but it's a good enough system for millions of Christians.
And I have a feeling you Christians think that cult members who believe in the "God of Wind" are complete and total freaks. But how can you judge anybody based on what they believe!
I, for one, don't differentiate the Christian belief system from the belief system of the people who were certain Waco cult leader David Koresh was a holy person. If you Christians think the previous sentence is out of bounds, consider the fact that, to most of those who lived 2,000 years ago, you were the people who lived in his compound!
Just because every street corner contains a building that houses people of the same faith doesn't mean you're sane. It means you're gullible, have trouble making friends, don't mind waking up early on Sunday and enjoy looking down on others for behavior you deem immoral though it doesn't hurt a fly. But it definitely does not mean you're sane.
What if someone went before a judge and said, "I'm really sorry I randomly beat up everyone in that nursing home, but I believe you are a Holy Judge and therefore my actions shouldn't really matter."
"You're absolutely right," the judge would reply, before giving the man a free lifetime pass to Disneyland.
The next man on the docket would have committed no crime.
"Why do you stand before me!?" the judge would demand.
"I don't know Your Honor, I've done nothing wrong."
"Are you of the opinion I am a Holy Judge, as the last defendant believed?"
"No, I believe you're some guy who graduated from law school."
"You just got yourself a lifetime in the slammer!"
"But my actions have been continuously noble and I did nothing to warrant this unjust sentence!"
"You most certainly did – you believed something wasn't true simply because it didn't make sense, and also because you'd never seen any evidence indicating it was true. For shame - people like you are the reason the penal system is overcrowded."
That's not the kind of country I want to live in, but it's a good enough system for millions of Christians.
And I have a feeling you Christians think that cult members who believe in the "God of Wind" are complete and total freaks. But how can you judge anybody based on what they believe!
I, for one, don't differentiate the Christian belief system from the belief system of the people who were certain Waco cult leader David Koresh was a holy person. If you Christians think the previous sentence is out of bounds, consider the fact that, to most of those who lived 2,000 years ago, you were the people who lived in his compound!
Just because every street corner contains a building that houses people of the same faith doesn't mean you're sane. It means you're gullible, have trouble making friends, don't mind waking up early on Sunday and enjoy looking down on others for behavior you deem immoral though it doesn't hurt a fly. But it definitely does not mean you're sane.
No Reward, No Problem!
How do you convince your children it's worth their while to perform a certain chore?
You promise to reward them.
And you Christians know all about reward!
Isn't it the reason you do everything?
"Are you going to cheat on your wife?"
"Nope, gotta get into heaven."
"Are you going to rob that jewelry store?"
"Nope, wouldn't want to find those pearly gates closed."
Here's a thought - why don't you do the right thing simply because it's the right thing? I suppose it's impossible to figure out if you would act morally were no one watching, because, according to you, God is always watching.
You must think it very odd that we non-Christians usually do the right thing even though no one is closely monitoring our behavior for the express purpose of gathering data which will later be used to choose the location we spend eternity.
I mean, we don't turn on the news every night and hear, "Another atheist has wreaked havoc among the citizens of our town. If they only believed their actions had everlasting consequences, finally we'd have peace!"
I wonder; if God was proven to be a fallacy, we'd turn on the news and hear about groups of former Christians committing horrific acts all over the world. After all, the fear damnation would be a thing of the past, and we have no idea how Christians would act were they not terrified of the hoary netherworld.
Religious people always talk about faith, yet they have little faith that other Christians will do the right thing unless the threat of eternal damnation is looming.
They say character is how we act when no one is watching. Of course that cannot be applied to those with faith because they believe God can see through their roofs and sheets.
I hope; if Christians are right in their religious beliefs, God gives me a chance to speak in front of Him before sending me off to hell. After hearing his lecture on how horrible it was that I didn't believe crazy stories in an ancient book were completely factual, I would try and convince Him that I am better than Christians because I lived a moral life despite the fact that I truly believed my good deeds would land me in the same location as the registered sex offender two blocks over.
By the way: you guys make it clear that if God doesn't want a person with Him in heaven, then he or she has no chance of advancing through those pearly gates. But is it written anywhere that Satan has to accept you? I just don't understand why everyone assumes the devil is so welcoming.
So continue to strictly follow the guidelines laid out in the Bible while claiming that you are displaying strength, willpower and class, when you know full well that behaving appropriately with no hope for reward is action of the noblest kind.
You promise to reward them.
And you Christians know all about reward!
Isn't it the reason you do everything?
"Are you going to cheat on your wife?"
"Nope, gotta get into heaven."
"Are you going to rob that jewelry store?"
"Nope, wouldn't want to find those pearly gates closed."
Here's a thought - why don't you do the right thing simply because it's the right thing? I suppose it's impossible to figure out if you would act morally were no one watching, because, according to you, God is always watching.
You must think it very odd that we non-Christians usually do the right thing even though no one is closely monitoring our behavior for the express purpose of gathering data which will later be used to choose the location we spend eternity.
I mean, we don't turn on the news every night and hear, "Another atheist has wreaked havoc among the citizens of our town. If they only believed their actions had everlasting consequences, finally we'd have peace!"
I wonder; if God was proven to be a fallacy, we'd turn on the news and hear about groups of former Christians committing horrific acts all over the world. After all, the fear damnation would be a thing of the past, and we have no idea how Christians would act were they not terrified of the hoary netherworld.
Religious people always talk about faith, yet they have little faith that other Christians will do the right thing unless the threat of eternal damnation is looming.
They say character is how we act when no one is watching. Of course that cannot be applied to those with faith because they believe God can see through their roofs and sheets.
I hope; if Christians are right in their religious beliefs, God gives me a chance to speak in front of Him before sending me off to hell. After hearing his lecture on how horrible it was that I didn't believe crazy stories in an ancient book were completely factual, I would try and convince Him that I am better than Christians because I lived a moral life despite the fact that I truly believed my good deeds would land me in the same location as the registered sex offender two blocks over.
By the way: you guys make it clear that if God doesn't want a person with Him in heaven, then he or she has no chance of advancing through those pearly gates. But is it written anywhere that Satan has to accept you? I just don't understand why everyone assumes the devil is so welcoming.
So continue to strictly follow the guidelines laid out in the Bible while claiming that you are displaying strength, willpower and class, when you know full well that behaving appropriately with no hope for reward is action of the noblest kind.
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