Church: The Original Infomercial

"I have a product that will make the purchase of paper towels forever unnecessary!" you hear from some shyster on television.

You initially say, "No way can a single product do that!" But by the end of the infomercial you've dialed the flashing phone number and before you know it have a garage full of Sham-Wow's.

"I know of a man who can grant you eternal happiness!" you hear on Sunday morning.

"No way can a man do that! Let me see him."

"He lived a couple thousand years ago and therefore couldn't make it to church today, but He'll be back!" the preacher continues.

"When?"

"We don't know - it's a mystery! What good deeds would you perform for an eternity of perfection?" the religious servant then asks. "Feed a group of starving children? Be faithful to your spouse? Pray eight hours a day?"

"Yes, for an eternity of perfection I would do all those things!"

"Well you don't have to," the preacher would continue to thunderous applause. "All you have to do is ask to be forgiven after you sin!"

"Wait a second, what's the catch - do I have to be one of the first two-hundred human beings to beg for mercy?"

"Nope, membership is available to all! But wait, there's more. Not only will you eventually be in heaven, the perfect place of which I previously spoke, but while you are there will never be forced to hear about how you're extremely naive in your belief of such a far fetched story, because the faithless saps on earth who will enjoy reminding you that your belief system lacks common sense, will all be shipped to hell!"

"You mean the annoying guy from work who objects to the entire company being forced to recite a prayer of thanks before we storm the employee kitchen in search of cold cuts and stale bread left over from the board meeting won't be in heaven to nag me, as he will nag me at work tomorrow, if I join your religion?"

"Yes - you will only have to put up with people like that for a few decades - then it is smooth sailing forever! But wait - that's still not all! Act now and receive thousands upon thousands of free friends!"

"I don't understand."

"See all the people sitting around to you? They are required to be by your side through thick and thin - as is every other Christian in the world! No more people rejecting you because you're unable to carry on an intelligent conversation! And the best part is you can ask them for loans, rides to the airport, or help moving boxes of your old clothes to storage! Sure they can say no, but since it's not a very Christian-like response, chances are they won't!"

"I'm sold; I will give up all rational thought from this point forward! Thanks preacher man - you put that Sham-Wow guy to shame!"

Then the preacher removes his mask to reveal he is the Sham-Wow guy!

Spooky.