The Time of Year When Christians Get Offended By Silence

I almost wish my fellow atheists wouldn't have started their crusade to have Christmas related displays removed from public property and major retailers cease the practice of saying, "Merry Christmas" to their customers.

Because if there is one thing that annoys me more than hearing, "Merry Christmas" when I enter and exit local stores, it's hearing Christians whine because they don't hear "Merry Christmas" when they enter and exit local stores.

The same Christians, mind you, who say, "suck it up," to atheists who complain about lengthy prayers that take place before high school football games.

So we're supposed to, "suck it up" when we hear something objectionable, but you can't, "suck it up" when you don't hear a damn thing!

I can't wait to walk into the nearest electronics mega store and see a bunch of Christians on the ground hugging their knees in anguish after not hearing those two glorious words, "Merry Christmas."

Without constant reminders regarding which holiday is coming up, some will probably forget that purchasing Christmas gifts is the reason they're at the retail outlet. "Why do I have this list with, 'HDTV, Nintendo Wii and The Dukes of Hazzard – Season 1 on DVD' written on it? What could it all mean!?"

Boy you Christians have a lot of demands. "Only these people should be allowed to get married. Greet me with this phrase when I walk into your place of business between November 28th and December 26th, The Three Wise Men used in the Nativity scene on the courthouse lawn must be made from balsa wood and meet the following height and weight requirements, etc."

But what you don't understand is that we Atheists have never had what everybody is allegedly trying to take away from you!

Nobody, not once in my life, has greeted me in a way that celebrates my belief that there is no god. There is no evolution display equal to the Nativity scene that I can count on seeing annually during a particular month. I've never uttered the phrase, "Oooooo – I can feel that February chill coming – that means we'll soon be delighted with various scenes that depict little baby Darwin shortly after he was born in the Mount House, as well as hearing the neighborhood children sing melodious Darwinian carols."

There is no song that warms my cockles, sung to the tune of Carol of the Bells, which goes something like...

There is no god
Oh no there's not
Nothing up there
Except the sky
And also clouds

Don't get me wrong; your argument for inundating society with Christmas decorations is very persuasive.

Of course I'm talking about the argument in which you state, "There are a lot more of us Christians walking around the United States and the majority of the people who founded this country shared our faith."

I mean how can you possibly argue with, "We were here first; go discover your own country and draft a Constitution based on an Atheistic foundation if you want to express your anti-religious viewpoints on public property!"

I don't know, I suppose I just have a problem with the same people who say, "Stop being so politically correct by getting offended over a few hurtful words," becoming irate after not hearing a single word at all.

Your Dinner is Getting Cold

I've never consumed a cold meal that was intended to be eaten warm. Once the food is put in front of me I eat it. I don't take time to pray to a being that doesn't exist while icicles form around my warm rolls.

I don't understand why such a loving Being makes it so hard for you to enjoy life. Because He riddled the world with unsightly weight gain your God makes it impossible for you to savor a good steak, a chocolate malt or nice candy bar.

Not only does He want you to eat healthy food, which displeases the pallet, He wants it to be ice cold.

One of the reasons the microwave business has taken off in such a way is because people say Grace before dinner. "Honey, go heat up the potatoes, Grandpa went on too long praying that Pep Boys would have that part for his RV when he goes into town tomorrow morning."

As families continue to get bigger, prayers are getting longer: "Please let George make it home from Iraq, help Janice's team win their softball game, heal the rash on Peter's left thigh, make Suzie's boyfriend realize he needs counseling before he seriously hurts someone, blah, blah, blah..." After all that, the meal someone has slaved over is ice cold and more work is needed to make it edible.

Why must you pray before the meal? It's the only time during the day when praying will have a negative effect on what you're doing: eating hot food.

If you prayed before you brushed your teeth, the toothpaste would taste the same. The dental floss wouldn’t have altered in any way. Even your mouthwash would not be affected - unless you count the slight chance it would go out of date mid-prayer.

And it doesn't even make sense to pray before eating. Afterward you can pray about changes you would like to see for your next meal. You could pray that the chicken be tenderer, or for God to infuse your spouse with greater culinary skill while he or she slept.

Better yet, why don't you just pray in church on Sunday to bless every meal you eat for the rest of the week? After all, prayer should be kept in church. That way you're sure not to offend anyone with whom you're breaking bread, and more importantly, your food will be eaten in the manner by which God intended.

See what I did there!

God is Watching Us… From a Distance?

One of the major things that bother me about the Bible is that it is filled with contradictions. Forgive everybody; No, don't forgive them, stone them to death, but forgive everybody else.

That's why people, who aren't religious professionals, don't know which of the multiple "truths" to believe.

Take Bette Midler for example. Bette Midler sings a lovely song that says God is watching us from as distance. But wait, isn't God always with you? How can God be watching you from a distance when He is always with you?

Is this one of those deals like when Christians say the seven days in which God created the Earth are actually "Bible Days," which are longer than the days we know today?

Basically you just Christians just say whatever justifies the validity of the Bible in your own mind and don't worry if it's a reasonable explanation or not. It's a fact that most Jewish and Christian people say that God is with them. "I scored a touchdown today because Jesus was assisting me break tackles," the star running back will claim.

"I'd like to thank God for this Academy Award, who was with me from the moment I read the script to the moment the director said 'that's a wrap,'" the Jewish entertainment superstar will announce to the world.

So it is definitely confusing when Bette Midler says God is watching us from a distance. How far away can He be if He's helping us break tackles on the football field? I'm confused; please enlighten me…

You can't enlighten me because there are too many contradictions. Nobody knows which contradiction to believe, which is exactly the reason Ms. Midler sang about how God is watching us from a distance. When you think about it from a Christian point of view, God is with Ms. Midler when she sings about Him watching her from a distance.

If you're right and there is a God, I have to think He gets pretty upset when she sings that song in concert. "What do you mean I'm watching you from a distance, I'm right here by your drummer."

Ms. Midler is not the only one who suffers from the contradiction problem.

Take the mealtime prayer said by many children: "God is great; God is good, let us thank Him for our food."

Which is He: Great or Good? Don't you think He gets a little upset at being calling "good" just because it rolls off the tongue in a manner that is pleasing to the ear when spoken so soon after the word "food."

But You Can't Prove God Doesn't Exist

"You can't prove God doesn't exist" is an argument we outspoken atheists have to deal with on a daily basis. As if that argument somehow validates the notion that there is a higher power.

You know what; I can't prove there isn't an invisible man standing over me judging my typing skills and sentence structure. Does that in any way mean it might be possible that my place has been invaded by men that I cannot see?

Maybe I should think twice before I walk around naked. Maybe I should shower while wearing my bathing suit and change clothes under the covers.

What other things could exist because we can't prove that they don't? Aliens? I can't prove no spooky space people come down when I'm asleep and do experiments on my brain.

Speaking of alien experiments; what would you say to someone who came up to you and said they'd been abducted by aliens? You'd say they're crazy, yet you couldn't prove it didn't happen.

The fact that Christianity, Judaism and Islam are so prevalent in America makes me wonder why we have mental institutions. Why is your imaginary friend so much more socially acceptable than the guy who thinks Gary Cooper comes to him in his dreams so they can talk about the state of cinema?

If we have to prove everything that doesn't exist, it is reasonable to think things from Big Foot to the Loch Ness Monster to unicorns exist? How can you use the fact that it is improvable that God doesn't exist while telling your child they are being irrational because they fear there's a monster in the closet? You can't prove there is no monster without opening the door to check, why do you ask them to believe!

Yes, it's difficult to prove an invisible entity doesn't exist. You got me. Touché. Zing! What a compelling argument you have devised! If I ever get into trouble, I just hope none of you are appointed my legal council.

Who Made all the Fun Stuff a Sin?

I love to get stoned on reefer. When I do I just sit in my room and smoke away. I don't hurt anyone and I don't offer it to children. It's great. Why won't you Christians join me? You can't... you say it's a sin. That's right; God made all the fun stuff a sin.

You people believe that there is a God, fine. But how could you unconditionally love a Being that made everything enjoyable bad? An even tougher question is: How could a Being that unconditionally loves you make everything enjoyable bad?

In high school the most fun thing to do is get drunk. Oh wait, that's wrong. You can't get drunk. And to make sure you don't drink, parents, teachers and cops are all out to stop you. But why does it have to be bad? If God truly loved you, He would have made sitting around with all your friends getting drunk an okay thing to do. After all, you're not hurting anyone, just like I don't hurt anyone when I get stoned.

And it's not just illegal things that God made bad. A lot of people would love to eat four or five hamburgers a day. We can't because it's bad for us. Who made it bad for you? God, that's who. He could have made hamburgers good for you. The more hamburgers you ate, the skinnier you would become and the lower your cholesterol would be. But no, he made celery sticks healthy and hamburgers bad. But remember, He loves you. Think about that the next time you eat a carrot stick slathered in non-fat reduced calorie ranch dressing that tastes like glue.

Who does eating hamburgers affect the most? Fat people. That's right, your choices are either that there is no God at all or there's a God that hates fat people.

Let's talk about sex. Sex is great fun. Sex with strangers or people you barely know is even more fun. Yet your "God" created about 20 diseases that come from having sex with people you don't know. Some, like herpes, you can never get rid of! Thanks a lot!

Drugs are similar. Drugs make you feel great. Yet lots of people overdose on drugs. Well, if God loved you, wouldn't He have made it impossible to overdose on drugs? Wouldn't He make it where no one could get enough drugs? No, everything that is good must either be stayed away from or taken in moderation.

A lot of you will say that it was your parents who wouldn't let you do bad stuff because they wanted you to succeed in life. Well yes, but if God wouldn't have made all the fun stuff bad, then your parents would have never had to tell you no.

What are you Searching for?

You always hear about people turning to religion because there is something missing in their lives. "I was searching for the meaning of my existence and I found God," is what people new to religion will say.

I just don't understand how a void in your life can possibly be filled with something that doesn't exist. Get a dog. A dog exists and when you take into account donations to the church it probably costs the same.

You could save yourself a lot of time and money by filling the void in your life with inspirational things you can see. Say a mountain or beautiful river. I promise if you went to the river on Sunday mornings it wouldn't send someone over to hit you up for a donation.

I would think the opposite would occur. I would think people who have too much going on in there lives would take up something that doesn't exist and people who don't have enough in their lives would take up something that does exist.

"I've got too much going on; I need to focus on things that aren't provable by science," or "I need something to fill the void in my life and I love fresh vegetables; why don't I plant a garden!"

Much like it explains that God does not exist, science tells us that voids cannot be filled with imaginary things. Try filling that empty spot in your living room with something that doesn't exist. Guess what happens? That's right; it looks exactly the same, which is exactly what your life is like after filling your void with religion.

Would you invite your friends over and ask, "What do you think of that empty space in front of the sofa? I replaced the coffee table with God! Isn't it fabulous?" Of course you wouldn't because people would think you are crazy. Yet it's even crazier filling a void in your life with God!

After all, your life is a little bit more meaningful than that empty spot next to the armoire.