These Are the Things We Tell Ourselves

"Tomorrow I'm going to clean the entire house from top to bottom."

"One more donut and the rest are going in the trash. To make certain I don't pull a 'George Costanza,' I'm going to remove the bag from the can, tie it up and shake it around."

"This hurts me more than it hurts you."

I find it impossible to believe people who physically abuse their children don't enjoy the hell out of it.

The preppy blonde girl from The Facts of Life, now the mother of devout Christians, penned a book that advocates placing a tiny drop of hot sauce on the tongue of a child caught fibbing.

Those who follow the above advice may not verbally express their satisfaction, but I have a strong feeling their brain is saying, "Eat it, bitch!"

Witnessing such cruelty perpetrated on a minor with a different surname would make me sick to my stomach, so I can't imagine the resulting anguish from seeing a child in my own family burned on any part of their body.

If parents that abuse their offspring genuinely feel emotional angst whist inflicting physical pain, they simply wouldn't be able to do it.

Religious people claim that only through god do they know right from wrong. A large number of these people deem it "right" to burn their child's tongue, or repeatedly beat him or her about the backside. Through words inspired by a loving god, you feel wonderful about harming a young person the exact way you harm a dog that has yet to master the art of differentiating linoleum from grass!? You feel that, upon your child, you are bestowing the beautiful gift of physical pain!?

Religion definitely doesn't teach anyone right from wrong, and often teaches wrong is right. It helps scores of people justify abuse and persecution of children.

When you're forced to remind yourself, "I must refrain from crossing the line or my child will be left with teacher-attention-getting bruises," it may be time to rethink your parenting strategy. Only being able to sleep soundly due to confidence your children's school is so overcrowded insignificant bruising typically goes undetected isn't a product of loving your child too much.

With throbbing fingers, have you spankers, beaters, and hot-sauce placers ever Googled specific laws in your state to make sure the violent act you just perpetrated doesn't officially constitute "abuse" in a legal sense? Do you disregard political party and vote strictly for candidates that vow to expand your right to spank, beat and place hot-sauce? Do you eat from the same bottle of hot sauce, or is it too traumatizing for Junior? If the site of the label makes your little-one shriek in fear, and a Mexican restaurant automatically places a bottle on each table, do you ask your waiter to remove it out of worry convulsions will cause unwanted attention? What precautions do you take to ensure your captive will adequately cover for you should unusually intense rage, or one too many pre-beating margaritas, cause you to leave a very noticeable love welt? Are you a big fan of the, "Even with the occasional flogging, we still provide a better home than a foster couple ever could?" strategy?

I doubt people like the aforementioned Facts of Life actress even admit to themselves that what they're experiencing with every swat, and drop of liquid heat, is enjoyment. While they probably feel as I do after a heated verbal confrontation with an adult (I, honestly admitting the barrage of vile adjectives I rained down upon the jackass in question felt great), they tell themselves such euphoria is actually pain that stems from causing the apple of their eye to shed massive amounts of tears.

We don't punish adults with pain. In fact, we go to great lengths to make certain prisoners are not harmed physically. Why do we take so many precautions to protect those who knew better, yet deem it okay to hurt those whose brains have yet to fully develop?

I'm certain some non-religious people spank; just as I'm certain some religious people find the practice abhorrent, but the reason child abuse is legal in America is because the Bible gives it glowing reviews.

"He who spareth his rod hateth his son" is the Bible's way of saying, "If you're going to employ only one method of punishment, you must make it pummeling with a stick."

Since your Bible, and the law, approves of the spanking you just gave, your conscience is likely clean. You know whose conscience is also clean; the Sharia law following man who just murdered his two daughters for the crime of becoming too "westernized."

Instead of telling yourself, "I am physically abusing my child, which makes me a great parent," why not focus on reality: you are physically abusing your child and you enjoy it.

I'm not saying lying to yourself is always bad. I sometimes tell myself Christians and atheists are both wrong; that there is a generic god who chooses which people go up and which people go down. In my little fantasy universe, regardless of whether or not they stop at bruising, guess which direction child abusers go?