The now famous California preacher, who garnered massive amounts of publicity by predicting the end of the planet, got me thinking about just how easy it would be to start a cult of my own. Of course nothing worthwhile is ever accomplished these days unless it's eventually broadcast for the world to see!
Therefore I would like to pitch a reality show that chronicles the formation of The Laimbidians (pronounced "lame-bidians"). If the "end of the world is on May 21, 2011" preacher can get beaucoup people to sell their earthly possessions and drive across the fruited plains to spend the apocalypse with him, certainly I can get a few folks to join me at the Laimbidian compound. After all, I'm a lot younger and quite a bit curvier!
If a network executive reads this, please email me about turning my cult-starting-project into a reality show because I see dollar signs over the heads of the thousands of followers I'm sure to obtain.
The astronomical amount of religious folks around the globe makes it obvious that scores of sheep are ripe for the converting.
My hook will be: god approached me in a dream and said, enthusiastically, "In the major holy books, only the portions that portray me as good are accurate!" I didn't believe in him until he informed me that, not only does he exist, but he's a super-cool deity. He doesn't care if you’re straight or you're gay, he just wants you to spread peace throughout the land.
While I wouldn't be the only person to fabricate a story for the express purpose of spreading it throughout the land, I would be the first to bring a common sense approach to religion.
Since most religious people disregard passages in their holy books with which they vehemently disagree - instead choosing to believe their views are in lockstep with god's views - I'll ignore specific rules and regulations and handle promotion as if I were attempting to get people to visit my dance club. "There are three commandments all Laimbidians must follow..."
Commandment #1: Do the Right Thing
Commandment #2: Have a Blast!
Commandment #3: Follow Commandment #2 to the EXTREME!
Realistically, all I would need to start a successful cult is a dwelling in which to congregate with my followers, a professionally designed website, and perhaps a small budget for fliers and entertainment related expenses.
You can't tell me I'll fail to attract as many minions as the man who swore the apocalypse would begin on May 21, 2011!
My cult could even surpass Scientology, whose devotees believe Xenu, dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy", 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. Official Scientology dogma holds that the essences of these many people remained, and that they form around people in modern times, causing them spiritual harm.
Laimbidian doctrine will simply state that god wants us all to do the right thing, and, when we slip, apologize to the person or persons we wronged. Much more believable than the Xenu story, no?
We won't have a holy book; we'll have a holy pamphlet. "Less words, more rock!"
At the first of what will hopefully be many Laimbidian schools, we'll focus semester number one on not discriminating. The second semester will be reserved for setting up a kick-ass graduation party.
The success of religion makes it obvious people are looking to believe in something, as well as be part of a group, so why not entertain America via the TV while giving folks an opportunity to join an organization that promotes guiltless pleasure, equality, tolerance and kindness.
It's sad that an atheist is needed to start the only religion that would actually make the world a better place.
1 comment:
No no no, that sounds far too rational and fun to be the basis of a cult. It'll never work. You need to make people suffer! You need to induce guilt and worry and stress and strain! And then you need to be the one to absolve it.
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