Organized Religion Profiled

The Christian answer to Wikipedia (a site on which they at least attempt to post facts) is a hilarious web-entity called Conservapedia.

Conservapedia quotes a Christian writer who contends atheists are "socially autistic." Can you feel the love!?

While I'm much too kind to personally attack average Christians individually, I have drafted a profile for organized religion that I hope Conservapedia will accept with an open mind...

Organized Religion is a gaggle of people who choose to believe in the same book yet all interpret the words in said book very differently. For example, members of the Westboro Baptist Church believe god calls for the execution of homosexuals, while less hardcore American Christians think god wants gay men and women to remain amongst the living so church members will forever have the ability to discriminate against the "sexual deviants" and/or attempt to convert them.

Organized Religion and Charity

Instead of feeding hungry children, religious people often donate to causes that support the banning of same-sex marriage, leading uber-popular atheist blogger Sarah Laimbeer to create the satirical slogan, "Starvin' Marvin can eat cake after we prevent John and Steve from getting their tax break." (See what I did there!?)

Organized religion does help the needy on occasion, on the condition the needy are in the mood for a long lecture. Religious charity is doled out the same way Sea World trainers feed whales. "Listen to one more verse from Ephesians and then open wide! Good bum!" Non-religious people provide food, water and shelter to those down on their luck without a side order of guilt, oppression or discrimination.

Organized Religion and Megachurch Scandals

Many megachurch pastors have been caught up in sexual related scandals. Some have engaged in erotic activities with members of the same sex, a few have had opposite-sex affairs, while others enjoyed the performance of Alan Cumming in Cabaret a little too much.

Organized Religion and Judgment

Only through whole-heartedly believing in far-fetched texts can one deem certain actions sinful, therefore religious people enjoy harshly judging the harmless behavior of others. Their desire to feel superior to "sinners" helps them fill an emotional void; the same void that sent them searching for a group to join in the first place.

Organized Religion and Debate Claims

Despite a lack of science behind their arguments, many religious people adamantly claim their fellow believers routinely defeat atheists in debates. Their behavior is similar to staunch Republicans who argue John McCain wiped the floor with Barack Obama and ardent Democrats who contend Water Mondale took Ronald Reagan to the woodshed during their verbal pre-presidential election tilts. While not provable and highly improbable, religious individuals write about alleged debate trounces as fact, likely hoping their brethren will continue the habit of believing everything they read regardless of evidence.

Organized Religion and Intolerance

Publishers of religious websites, such as Conservapedia, which is only unintentionally funny, make it evident their hatred of people with whom they disagree consumes their lives. They do this by displaying pictures of ordinary Americans and claiming the persons in the photographs have weight issues because they don't believe exactly as the Conservapedia publishers. Though said publishers are adamant their own overtly-religious viewpoints keep the pounds off, scientists still argue that diet and exercise are the key to weight loss. A thorough search of Amazon.com reveal no book entitled, "Believe Your Way to Skinny," is a best-seller.

Organized Religion and Corporal Punishment

In accordance with the teachings of the Bible, many followers of organized religion physically beat their children with either their bare hands or objects intended to inflict maximum pain. They do this because they lack the ability to reason with their offspring. In order to spread abuse of youngsters throughout the world, many Christians ridicule non-violent forms of punishment and characterize un-abusive parents as "weak".

Organized Religion and Denial

Christians claim atheism leads to mental instability while denying the reality that a belief in an everlasting utopia is the only reason they're able to get out of bed in the morning.

Organized Religion and Hypocrisy

Ask a non-Muslim religious person if Osama bin Laden is still busy fornicating with his 72 virgins and he or she will likely roll their eyes. Ask the same believer if they'll eventually find themselves in a perfect locale for all of eternity, as a reward for the thoughts in their head, and they'll reply, "Of course, and you're a big fat idiot if you disagree."