The now famous California preacher, who garnered massive amounts of publicity by predicting the end of the planet, got me thinking about just how easy it would be to start a cult of my own. Of course nothing worthwhile is ever accomplished these days unless it's eventually broadcast for the world to see!
Therefore I would like to pitch a reality show that chronicles the formation of The Laimbidians (pronounced "lame-bidians"). If the "end of the world is on May 21, 2011" preacher can get beaucoup people to sell their earthly possessions and drive across the fruited plains to spend the apocalypse with him, certainly I can get a few folks to join me at the Laimbidian compound. After all, I'm a lot younger and quite a bit curvier!
If a network executive reads this, please email me about turning my cult-starting-project into a reality show because I see dollar signs over the heads of the thousands of followers I'm sure to obtain.
The astronomical amount of religious folks around the globe makes it obvious that scores of sheep are ripe for the converting.
My hook will be: god approached me in a dream and said, enthusiastically, "In the major holy books, only the portions that portray me as good are accurate!" I didn't believe in him until he informed me that, not only does he exist, but he's a super-cool deity. He doesn't care if you’re straight or you're gay, he just wants you to spread peace throughout the land.
While I wouldn't be the only person to fabricate a story for the express purpose of spreading it throughout the land, I would be the first to bring a common sense approach to religion.
Since most religious people disregard passages in their holy books with which they vehemently disagree - instead choosing to believe their views are in lockstep with god's views - I'll ignore specific rules and regulations and handle promotion as if I were attempting to get people to visit my dance club. "There are three commandments all Laimbidians must follow..."
Commandment #1: Do the Right Thing
Commandment #2: Have a Blast!
Commandment #3: Follow Commandment #2 to the EXTREME!
Realistically, all I would need to start a successful cult is a dwelling in which to congregate with my followers, a professionally designed website, and perhaps a small budget for fliers and entertainment related expenses.
You can't tell me I'll fail to attract as many minions as the man who swore the apocalypse would begin on May 21, 2011!
My cult could even surpass Scientology, whose devotees believe Xenu, dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy", 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. Official Scientology dogma holds that the essences of these many people remained, and that they form around people in modern times, causing them spiritual harm.
Laimbidian doctrine will simply state that god wants us all to do the right thing, and, when we slip, apologize to the person or persons we wronged. Much more believable than the Xenu story, no?
We won't have a holy book; we'll have a holy pamphlet. "Less words, more rock!"
At the first of what will hopefully be many Laimbidian schools, we'll focus semester number one on not discriminating. The second semester will be reserved for setting up a kick-ass graduation party.
The success of religion makes it obvious people are looking to believe in something, as well as be part of a group, so why not entertain America via the TV while giving folks an opportunity to join an organization that promotes guiltless pleasure, equality, tolerance and kindness.
It's sad that an atheist is needed to start the only religion that would actually make the world a better place.
We Got This
Religion was developed to control people and perhaps it's actually serving its purpose. Perhaps society needs religion to thrive. Perhaps some of you wouldn't be able to get a lick of work done were you not taught certain actions are taboo; certain actions that, when performed in moderation, are not harmful to anyone.
If I am addicted to shopping, perhaps a good strategy in attempting to stay out of the poorhouse is convincing myself purchasing multiple outfits is a horrific sin. "More than one dress is excessive. Clothes are only needed to retain modesty and warmth. Striving to look fashionable is only done to feed the selfish ego."
The problem is that everyone doesn't share every vice. While you may need to refrain completely from a certain activity in order to lead a productive life, I'm able to moderate.
Stick with whatever contributes to your personal success, but everyone believing harmless acts are sinful is not necessary for society to prosper.
Seeing as how we're confident no punishment awaits us, why don't atheists go through life committing horrific deed after horrific deed? The reason we refrain from harming others, or putting our fellow man in danger, is simply because we're strong enough to do the right thing, i.e., we don't need a support group telling us we should refrain from a single drink because it will lead to the consumption of twenty in twenty-minutes, followed by the shouting of, "road trip!"
Many religious persons are similar to members of the military who only thrive with extreme structure. I'm talking about individuals that wouldn't bother putting on pants were a superior not perennially in their grill. In the armed forces, failing to perform 1,000 jumping jacks before breakfast may be considered sinful, and therefore necessary for some persons, while a nice cup of coffee shortly after waking helps me produce for the remainder of the day.
If you're addicted to pornography, you need to equate the viewing of erotic images as sinful, and completely refrain, or else your life will consist of little else.
Because I lead a productive life without following instructions listed between the covers of the book in which you've chosen to believe, please don't attack me verbally or portray me as "evil" when I haven't an evil bone in my body.
If it keeps you from waking up drunk every morning, by all means study your holy book daily. When you're finished, however, please don't say, "You know who'd also benefit from the words I just read: everyone."
If the church helped you prosper after you'd given up hope, then, by all means, stick with it, but please remember that not all of us have hit rock bottom and therefore aren't interested in hearing about what motivates you to remain on the straight and narrow.
Dance with who brung ya. If anyone asks who brung ya, provide them a biography. If people don't ask, it means you don't need to replace who brung 'em with your partner.
If I am addicted to shopping, perhaps a good strategy in attempting to stay out of the poorhouse is convincing myself purchasing multiple outfits is a horrific sin. "More than one dress is excessive. Clothes are only needed to retain modesty and warmth. Striving to look fashionable is only done to feed the selfish ego."
The problem is that everyone doesn't share every vice. While you may need to refrain completely from a certain activity in order to lead a productive life, I'm able to moderate.
Stick with whatever contributes to your personal success, but everyone believing harmless acts are sinful is not necessary for society to prosper.
Seeing as how we're confident no punishment awaits us, why don't atheists go through life committing horrific deed after horrific deed? The reason we refrain from harming others, or putting our fellow man in danger, is simply because we're strong enough to do the right thing, i.e., we don't need a support group telling us we should refrain from a single drink because it will lead to the consumption of twenty in twenty-minutes, followed by the shouting of, "road trip!"
Many religious persons are similar to members of the military who only thrive with extreme structure. I'm talking about individuals that wouldn't bother putting on pants were a superior not perennially in their grill. In the armed forces, failing to perform 1,000 jumping jacks before breakfast may be considered sinful, and therefore necessary for some persons, while a nice cup of coffee shortly after waking helps me produce for the remainder of the day.
If you're addicted to pornography, you need to equate the viewing of erotic images as sinful, and completely refrain, or else your life will consist of little else.
Because I lead a productive life without following instructions listed between the covers of the book in which you've chosen to believe, please don't attack me verbally or portray me as "evil" when I haven't an evil bone in my body.
If it keeps you from waking up drunk every morning, by all means study your holy book daily. When you're finished, however, please don't say, "You know who'd also benefit from the words I just read: everyone."
If the church helped you prosper after you'd given up hope, then, by all means, stick with it, but please remember that not all of us have hit rock bottom and therefore aren't interested in hearing about what motivates you to remain on the straight and narrow.
Dance with who brung ya. If anyone asks who brung ya, provide them a biography. If people don't ask, it means you don't need to replace who brung 'em with your partner.
Organized Religion Profiled
The Christian answer to Wikipedia (a site on which they at least attempt to post facts) is a hilarious web-entity called Conservapedia.
Conservapedia quotes a Christian writer who contends atheists are "socially autistic." Can you feel the love!?
While I'm much too kind to personally attack average Christians individually, I have drafted a profile for organized religion that I hope Conservapedia will accept with an open mind...
Organized Religion is a gaggle of people who choose to believe in the same book yet all interpret the words in said book very differently. For example, members of the Westboro Baptist Church believe god calls for the execution of homosexuals, while less hardcore American Christians think god wants gay men and women to remain amongst the living so church members will forever have the ability to discriminate against the "sexual deviants" and/or attempt to convert them.
Organized Religion and Charity
Instead of feeding hungry children, religious people often donate to causes that support the banning of same-sex marriage, leading uber-popular atheist blogger Sarah Laimbeer to create the satirical slogan, "Starvin' Marvin can eat cake after we prevent John and Steve from getting their tax break." (See what I did there!?)
Organized religion does help the needy on occasion, on the condition the needy are in the mood for a long lecture. Religious charity is doled out the same way Sea World trainers feed whales. "Listen to one more verse from Ephesians and then open wide! Good bum!" Non-religious people provide food, water and shelter to those down on their luck without a side order of guilt, oppression or discrimination.
Organized Religion and Megachurch Scandals
Many megachurch pastors have been caught up in sexual related scandals. Some have engaged in erotic activities with members of the same sex, a few have had opposite-sex affairs, while others enjoyed the performance of Alan Cumming in Cabaret a little too much.
Organized Religion and Judgment
Only through whole-heartedly believing in far-fetched texts can one deem certain actions sinful, therefore religious people enjoy harshly judging the harmless behavior of others. Their desire to feel superior to "sinners" helps them fill an emotional void; the same void that sent them searching for a group to join in the first place.
Organized Religion and Debate Claims
Despite a lack of science behind their arguments, many religious people adamantly claim their fellow believers routinely defeat atheists in debates. Their behavior is similar to staunch Republicans who argue John McCain wiped the floor with Barack Obama and ardent Democrats who contend Water Mondale took Ronald Reagan to the woodshed during their verbal pre-presidential election tilts. While not provable and highly improbable, religious individuals write about alleged debate trounces as fact, likely hoping their brethren will continue the habit of believing everything they read regardless of evidence.
Organized Religion and Intolerance
Publishers of religious websites, such as Conservapedia, which is only unintentionally funny, make it evident their hatred of people with whom they disagree consumes their lives. They do this by displaying pictures of ordinary Americans and claiming the persons in the photographs have weight issues because they don't believe exactly as the Conservapedia publishers. Though said publishers are adamant their own overtly-religious viewpoints keep the pounds off, scientists still argue that diet and exercise are the key to weight loss. A thorough search of Amazon.com reveal no book entitled, "Believe Your Way to Skinny," is a best-seller.
Organized Religion and Corporal Punishment
In accordance with the teachings of the Bible, many followers of organized religion physically beat their children with either their bare hands or objects intended to inflict maximum pain. They do this because they lack the ability to reason with their offspring. In order to spread abuse of youngsters throughout the world, many Christians ridicule non-violent forms of punishment and characterize un-abusive parents as "weak".
Organized Religion and Denial
Christians claim atheism leads to mental instability while denying the reality that a belief in an everlasting utopia is the only reason they're able to get out of bed in the morning.
Organized Religion and Hypocrisy
Ask a non-Muslim religious person if Osama bin Laden is still busy fornicating with his 72 virgins and he or she will likely roll their eyes. Ask the same believer if they'll eventually find themselves in a perfect locale for all of eternity, as a reward for the thoughts in their head, and they'll reply, "Of course, and you're a big fat idiot if you disagree."
Conservapedia quotes a Christian writer who contends atheists are "socially autistic." Can you feel the love!?
While I'm much too kind to personally attack average Christians individually, I have drafted a profile for organized religion that I hope Conservapedia will accept with an open mind...
Organized Religion is a gaggle of people who choose to believe in the same book yet all interpret the words in said book very differently. For example, members of the Westboro Baptist Church believe god calls for the execution of homosexuals, while less hardcore American Christians think god wants gay men and women to remain amongst the living so church members will forever have the ability to discriminate against the "sexual deviants" and/or attempt to convert them.
Organized Religion and Charity
Instead of feeding hungry children, religious people often donate to causes that support the banning of same-sex marriage, leading uber-popular atheist blogger Sarah Laimbeer to create the satirical slogan, "Starvin' Marvin can eat cake after we prevent John and Steve from getting their tax break." (See what I did there!?)
Organized religion does help the needy on occasion, on the condition the needy are in the mood for a long lecture. Religious charity is doled out the same way Sea World trainers feed whales. "Listen to one more verse from Ephesians and then open wide! Good bum!" Non-religious people provide food, water and shelter to those down on their luck without a side order of guilt, oppression or discrimination.
Organized Religion and Megachurch Scandals
Many megachurch pastors have been caught up in sexual related scandals. Some have engaged in erotic activities with members of the same sex, a few have had opposite-sex affairs, while others enjoyed the performance of Alan Cumming in Cabaret a little too much.
Organized Religion and Judgment
Only through whole-heartedly believing in far-fetched texts can one deem certain actions sinful, therefore religious people enjoy harshly judging the harmless behavior of others. Their desire to feel superior to "sinners" helps them fill an emotional void; the same void that sent them searching for a group to join in the first place.
Organized Religion and Debate Claims
Despite a lack of science behind their arguments, many religious people adamantly claim their fellow believers routinely defeat atheists in debates. Their behavior is similar to staunch Republicans who argue John McCain wiped the floor with Barack Obama and ardent Democrats who contend Water Mondale took Ronald Reagan to the woodshed during their verbal pre-presidential election tilts. While not provable and highly improbable, religious individuals write about alleged debate trounces as fact, likely hoping their brethren will continue the habit of believing everything they read regardless of evidence.
Organized Religion and Intolerance
Publishers of religious websites, such as Conservapedia, which is only unintentionally funny, make it evident their hatred of people with whom they disagree consumes their lives. They do this by displaying pictures of ordinary Americans and claiming the persons in the photographs have weight issues because they don't believe exactly as the Conservapedia publishers. Though said publishers are adamant their own overtly-religious viewpoints keep the pounds off, scientists still argue that diet and exercise are the key to weight loss. A thorough search of Amazon.com reveal no book entitled, "Believe Your Way to Skinny," is a best-seller.
Organized Religion and Corporal Punishment
In accordance with the teachings of the Bible, many followers of organized religion physically beat their children with either their bare hands or objects intended to inflict maximum pain. They do this because they lack the ability to reason with their offspring. In order to spread abuse of youngsters throughout the world, many Christians ridicule non-violent forms of punishment and characterize un-abusive parents as "weak".
Organized Religion and Denial
Christians claim atheism leads to mental instability while denying the reality that a belief in an everlasting utopia is the only reason they're able to get out of bed in the morning.
Organized Religion and Hypocrisy
Ask a non-Muslim religious person if Osama bin Laden is still busy fornicating with his 72 virgins and he or she will likely roll their eyes. Ask the same believer if they'll eventually find themselves in a perfect locale for all of eternity, as a reward for the thoughts in their head, and they'll reply, "Of course, and you're a big fat idiot if you disagree."
These Are the Things We Tell Ourselves
"Tomorrow I'm going to clean the entire house from top to bottom."
"One more donut and the rest are going in the trash. To make certain I don't pull a 'George Costanza,' I'm going to remove the bag from the can, tie it up and shake it around."
"This hurts me more than it hurts you."
I find it impossible to believe people who physically abuse their children don't enjoy the hell out of it.
The preppy blonde girl from The Facts of Life, now the mother of devout Christians, penned a book that advocates placing a tiny drop of hot sauce on the tongue of a child caught fibbing.
Those who follow the above advice may not verbally express their satisfaction, but I have a strong feeling their brain is saying, "Eat it, bitch!"
Witnessing such cruelty perpetrated on a minor with a different surname would make me sick to my stomach, so I can't imagine the resulting anguish from seeing a child in my own family burned on any part of their body.
If parents that abuse their offspring genuinely feel emotional angst whist inflicting physical pain, they simply wouldn't be able to do it.
Religious people claim that only through god do they know right from wrong. A large number of these people deem it "right" to burn their child's tongue, or repeatedly beat him or her about the backside. Through words inspired by a loving god, you feel wonderful about harming a young person the exact way you harm a dog that has yet to master the art of differentiating linoleum from grass!? You feel that, upon your child, you are bestowing the beautiful gift of physical pain!?
Religion definitely doesn't teach anyone right from wrong, and often teaches wrong is right. It helps scores of people justify abuse and persecution of children.
When you're forced to remind yourself, "I must refrain from crossing the line or my child will be left with teacher-attention-getting bruises," it may be time to rethink your parenting strategy. Only being able to sleep soundly due to confidence your children's school is so overcrowded insignificant bruising typically goes undetected isn't a product of loving your child too much.
With throbbing fingers, have you spankers, beaters, and hot-sauce placers ever Googled specific laws in your state to make sure the violent act you just perpetrated doesn't officially constitute "abuse" in a legal sense? Do you disregard political party and vote strictly for candidates that vow to expand your right to spank, beat and place hot-sauce? Do you eat from the same bottle of hot sauce, or is it too traumatizing for Junior? If the site of the label makes your little-one shriek in fear, and a Mexican restaurant automatically places a bottle on each table, do you ask your waiter to remove it out of worry convulsions will cause unwanted attention? What precautions do you take to ensure your captive will adequately cover for you should unusually intense rage, or one too many pre-beating margaritas, cause you to leave a very noticeable love welt? Are you a big fan of the, "Even with the occasional flogging, we still provide a better home than a foster couple ever could?" strategy?
I doubt people like the aforementioned Facts of Life actress even admit to themselves that what they're experiencing with every swat, and drop of liquid heat, is enjoyment. While they probably feel as I do after a heated verbal confrontation with an adult (I, honestly admitting the barrage of vile adjectives I rained down upon the jackass in question felt great), they tell themselves such euphoria is actually pain that stems from causing the apple of their eye to shed massive amounts of tears.
We don't punish adults with pain. In fact, we go to great lengths to make certain prisoners are not harmed physically. Why do we take so many precautions to protect those who knew better, yet deem it okay to hurt those whose brains have yet to fully develop?
I'm certain some non-religious people spank; just as I'm certain some religious people find the practice abhorrent, but the reason child abuse is legal in America is because the Bible gives it glowing reviews.
"He who spareth his rod hateth his son" is the Bible's way of saying, "If you're going to employ only one method of punishment, you must make it pummeling with a stick."
Since your Bible, and the law, approves of the spanking you just gave, your conscience is likely clean. You know whose conscience is also clean; the Sharia law following man who just murdered his two daughters for the crime of becoming too "westernized."
Instead of telling yourself, "I am physically abusing my child, which makes me a great parent," why not focus on reality: you are physically abusing your child and you enjoy it.
I'm not saying lying to yourself is always bad. I sometimes tell myself Christians and atheists are both wrong; that there is a generic god who chooses which people go up and which people go down. In my little fantasy universe, regardless of whether or not they stop at bruising, guess which direction child abusers go?
"One more donut and the rest are going in the trash. To make certain I don't pull a 'George Costanza,' I'm going to remove the bag from the can, tie it up and shake it around."
"This hurts me more than it hurts you."
I find it impossible to believe people who physically abuse their children don't enjoy the hell out of it.
The preppy blonde girl from The Facts of Life, now the mother of devout Christians, penned a book that advocates placing a tiny drop of hot sauce on the tongue of a child caught fibbing.
Those who follow the above advice may not verbally express their satisfaction, but I have a strong feeling their brain is saying, "Eat it, bitch!"
Witnessing such cruelty perpetrated on a minor with a different surname would make me sick to my stomach, so I can't imagine the resulting anguish from seeing a child in my own family burned on any part of their body.
If parents that abuse their offspring genuinely feel emotional angst whist inflicting physical pain, they simply wouldn't be able to do it.
Religious people claim that only through god do they know right from wrong. A large number of these people deem it "right" to burn their child's tongue, or repeatedly beat him or her about the backside. Through words inspired by a loving god, you feel wonderful about harming a young person the exact way you harm a dog that has yet to master the art of differentiating linoleum from grass!? You feel that, upon your child, you are bestowing the beautiful gift of physical pain!?
Religion definitely doesn't teach anyone right from wrong, and often teaches wrong is right. It helps scores of people justify abuse and persecution of children.
When you're forced to remind yourself, "I must refrain from crossing the line or my child will be left with teacher-attention-getting bruises," it may be time to rethink your parenting strategy. Only being able to sleep soundly due to confidence your children's school is so overcrowded insignificant bruising typically goes undetected isn't a product of loving your child too much.
With throbbing fingers, have you spankers, beaters, and hot-sauce placers ever Googled specific laws in your state to make sure the violent act you just perpetrated doesn't officially constitute "abuse" in a legal sense? Do you disregard political party and vote strictly for candidates that vow to expand your right to spank, beat and place hot-sauce? Do you eat from the same bottle of hot sauce, or is it too traumatizing for Junior? If the site of the label makes your little-one shriek in fear, and a Mexican restaurant automatically places a bottle on each table, do you ask your waiter to remove it out of worry convulsions will cause unwanted attention? What precautions do you take to ensure your captive will adequately cover for you should unusually intense rage, or one too many pre-beating margaritas, cause you to leave a very noticeable love welt? Are you a big fan of the, "Even with the occasional flogging, we still provide a better home than a foster couple ever could?" strategy?
I doubt people like the aforementioned Facts of Life actress even admit to themselves that what they're experiencing with every swat, and drop of liquid heat, is enjoyment. While they probably feel as I do after a heated verbal confrontation with an adult (I, honestly admitting the barrage of vile adjectives I rained down upon the jackass in question felt great), they tell themselves such euphoria is actually pain that stems from causing the apple of their eye to shed massive amounts of tears.
We don't punish adults with pain. In fact, we go to great lengths to make certain prisoners are not harmed physically. Why do we take so many precautions to protect those who knew better, yet deem it okay to hurt those whose brains have yet to fully develop?
I'm certain some non-religious people spank; just as I'm certain some religious people find the practice abhorrent, but the reason child abuse is legal in America is because the Bible gives it glowing reviews.
"He who spareth his rod hateth his son" is the Bible's way of saying, "If you're going to employ only one method of punishment, you must make it pummeling with a stick."
Since your Bible, and the law, approves of the spanking you just gave, your conscience is likely clean. You know whose conscience is also clean; the Sharia law following man who just murdered his two daughters for the crime of becoming too "westernized."
Instead of telling yourself, "I am physically abusing my child, which makes me a great parent," why not focus on reality: you are physically abusing your child and you enjoy it.
I'm not saying lying to yourself is always bad. I sometimes tell myself Christians and atheists are both wrong; that there is a generic god who chooses which people go up and which people go down. In my little fantasy universe, regardless of whether or not they stop at bruising, guess which direction child abusers go?
Warning: Written Without Assistance from Published Author
I'm not sure how to write this piece and don't have time to run out and buy a book on how to draft a successful article.
Actually, none of my actions today have been based on advice from books, which probably means I've done everything wrong.
I don't care if you're a tiger mother, or allow your children to play fast and loose with the rules, my only request is that you not speak to any minor that emanated from your womb without assurance every word is recommended by an actual published author. Not a dinky blog-writer like me, rather a person that went to the immense trouble of sending out thousands of query letters to various literary agencies around the globe before eventually finding success.
I kid...
Does religion fill everyone with fear their own instincts should be dismissed? Do they say, "I don't get angry at the site of homosexuals, yet they're horrific sinners... If I'm wrong about that, what else must I be wrong about?"
If ancient scribes are trusted with what religious folks consider the most important aspect of their lives, I suppose it's not surprising they turn to modern authors to advise them on topics not covered in the Bible.
I constantly argue that a deity is not needed for us to know right from wrong; that hurting people is wrong and everything else is a personal choice. Sure there are some grey areas in life, such as, "If I walk past that beggar, will it motivate him to get a job? Or should I give him a quarter because I have one to spare?" But the fact that there are socialist Christians and staunch conservative Christians makes it clear that books don't clarify such dilemmas.
So we instinctively know what's right and what's wrong, and no book helps us definitively resolve the areas in-between...
When my stomach boisterously calls for sustenance, is it my inner-atheist that causes me to pick up the first fork around which I can wrap my hand and immediately dig into the meal that lies on my plate; as opposed to scanning the other eaters in an attempt to discern their choice of utensil? Is it my natural aversion to being scolded, for doing what I believe is correct, that prevents me from looking up to the heavens at social gatherings and desperately shouting, "Why did I fall asleep while reading Miss Manners!? Had I intellectually devoured two more chapters I would know for certain if the situation in which I currently find myself requires a curtsey or a kowtow!"
This is unlike most articles I've drafted and has little to do with religion, but I'm genuinely curious as to why reliance on written advice from strangers is so prevalent. When things go wrong, do we desire to throw our hands in the air and say, "Wasn't my idea - it's what I read I was supposed to do!" Is it our way of deflecting blame? Is it our way of never being labeled a failure?
I find our dependence on books sad for the simple reason I personally know decent people who, were it not for their religious backgrounds, would likely stand with me in opposing injustice.
Maybe I should start accepting advice from my published betters. Yes, that's just what I'll do. So won't you kindly pardon me so that I may discover if the current etiquette advisors deem it unmannerly of me to ask them to go screw themselves in the one place on their body the star at the center of the solar system rudely refuses to shine?
Best wishes,
Ms. Sarah Laimbeer
Actually, none of my actions today have been based on advice from books, which probably means I've done everything wrong.
I don't care if you're a tiger mother, or allow your children to play fast and loose with the rules, my only request is that you not speak to any minor that emanated from your womb without assurance every word is recommended by an actual published author. Not a dinky blog-writer like me, rather a person that went to the immense trouble of sending out thousands of query letters to various literary agencies around the globe before eventually finding success.
I kid...
Does religion fill everyone with fear their own instincts should be dismissed? Do they say, "I don't get angry at the site of homosexuals, yet they're horrific sinners... If I'm wrong about that, what else must I be wrong about?"
If ancient scribes are trusted with what religious folks consider the most important aspect of their lives, I suppose it's not surprising they turn to modern authors to advise them on topics not covered in the Bible.
I constantly argue that a deity is not needed for us to know right from wrong; that hurting people is wrong and everything else is a personal choice. Sure there are some grey areas in life, such as, "If I walk past that beggar, will it motivate him to get a job? Or should I give him a quarter because I have one to spare?" But the fact that there are socialist Christians and staunch conservative Christians makes it clear that books don't clarify such dilemmas.
So we instinctively know what's right and what's wrong, and no book helps us definitively resolve the areas in-between...
When my stomach boisterously calls for sustenance, is it my inner-atheist that causes me to pick up the first fork around which I can wrap my hand and immediately dig into the meal that lies on my plate; as opposed to scanning the other eaters in an attempt to discern their choice of utensil? Is it my natural aversion to being scolded, for doing what I believe is correct, that prevents me from looking up to the heavens at social gatherings and desperately shouting, "Why did I fall asleep while reading Miss Manners!? Had I intellectually devoured two more chapters I would know for certain if the situation in which I currently find myself requires a curtsey or a kowtow!"
This is unlike most articles I've drafted and has little to do with religion, but I'm genuinely curious as to why reliance on written advice from strangers is so prevalent. When things go wrong, do we desire to throw our hands in the air and say, "Wasn't my idea - it's what I read I was supposed to do!" Is it our way of deflecting blame? Is it our way of never being labeled a failure?
I find our dependence on books sad for the simple reason I personally know decent people who, were it not for their religious backgrounds, would likely stand with me in opposing injustice.
Maybe I should start accepting advice from my published betters. Yes, that's just what I'll do. So won't you kindly pardon me so that I may discover if the current etiquette advisors deem it unmannerly of me to ask them to go screw themselves in the one place on their body the star at the center of the solar system rudely refuses to shine?
Best wishes,
Ms. Sarah Laimbeer
You Still Can't Tie!
Against homosexuals, many Christians discriminate because a book tells them god smiles upon such bigotry. Ditto Muslims and Jewish people. I can connect the actions of religious people to their belief in specific books.
You cannot, however, connect the actions of atheists to anything. Regardless of interpretation, the Westboro Baptist Church founder and the preacher at the Presbyterian Church closest to my home follow the same guide.
While many religious people would love to compare me to Mao, I'm mature enough to admit there's a huge difference between the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church and the local Presbyterian preacher. The former protests at military funerals because America tolerates homosexuality while the latter only mutters things such as, "While perverse, at least Married with Children was a show about straight people," as he flips past reruns of Will & Grace, Queer as Folk, and The L Word, on his way the 700 Club.
While I will not connect average American Christians to mass killing, I cannot deny that organized religion has been responsible for much brutality over the centuries. Still is.
And again, we can tie religion directly to the brutality, while no religious person can tie atheism to the hurting of a fly! Despite this, religious folks point to bad deeds done by atheists and say, "see what atheism made them do!"
Wrong! Words often inspire the committing of atrocities. Atheists share no manuscript.
If the only thing you religious people had in common was a belief in god, no one could tie your actions together. When the faithful committed crimes, but could not point to a text that told them their vile actions were justified, it would mean they didn't thumb their nose at the law specifically because of their belief in god; rather they thumbed their nose at the law because it satisfied a personal desire.
No atheist handbook told Joseph Stalin, "You shall build four gulags in the summer and four more in the winter." Many religious military generals, on the other hand, opened their book of choice nightly to remind themselves that each drop of innocent blood they spilled was extremely pleasing to their deity.
It's safe to say that many "religion-made-me-do-it" criminals would have failed to act inappropriately had they not been repeatedly told their cruel actions were noble. There's nothing atheistic that caused unbelievers to commit horrific acts, which means nothing could have been removed from their lives that would have resulted in a clean rap sheet. And an infusion of religion into the life of the aforementioned Joseph Stalin, for example, would have made it easier for the man to spread evil because most religious works promote monetary equality regardless of toil.
I'd also like to point out that most atheists don't mention the fact that mass cruelty has been perpetrated in the name of religion because we're attempting to convert the masses; we're simply warning everyone about the danger religion poses when it spreads from the church.
In addition to a reduction in stoning deaths of alleged adulterers and sexual assault victims, we'd like to prevent religious folks from forcing us to live by the many nonsensical rules in their books - whether or not they claim it is their sincere belief that such statutes further public safety. If you promise to keep your religion out of the voting booth, i.e., out of my house, public schools, and the place I'm trying to buy a bottle of vodka at 3:00 in the morning, I'll even help you recruit!
Whether we're talking mass murder or discrimination, the bottom line is that we need to focus on the complete elimination of cruelty. The best method for achieving our goal is to promote freedom, base laws on common sense, and stop heaping scorn upon individuals who follow said common sense laws, regardless of the sexual practices they carry out with other consenting adults.
Since I'm after only freedom and safety for all, I would like to put an end to the one-upmanship. I'm speaking specifically of Christian apologists who boast that religion has grown over the years while atheists will soon suffer the fate of the dinosaur. The majority of Saudi Arabians believe the practice of stoning alleged adulterers is righteous because that's what they've been taught by their religious elders. In other words, I'm not quite ready to concede I'm wrong simply because I'm in the minority.
Okay, now let's end the one-upmanship.
You cannot, however, connect the actions of atheists to anything. Regardless of interpretation, the Westboro Baptist Church founder and the preacher at the Presbyterian Church closest to my home follow the same guide.
While many religious people would love to compare me to Mao, I'm mature enough to admit there's a huge difference between the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church and the local Presbyterian preacher. The former protests at military funerals because America tolerates homosexuality while the latter only mutters things such as, "While perverse, at least Married with Children was a show about straight people," as he flips past reruns of Will & Grace, Queer as Folk, and The L Word, on his way the 700 Club.
While I will not connect average American Christians to mass killing, I cannot deny that organized religion has been responsible for much brutality over the centuries. Still is.
And again, we can tie religion directly to the brutality, while no religious person can tie atheism to the hurting of a fly! Despite this, religious folks point to bad deeds done by atheists and say, "see what atheism made them do!"
Wrong! Words often inspire the committing of atrocities. Atheists share no manuscript.
If the only thing you religious people had in common was a belief in god, no one could tie your actions together. When the faithful committed crimes, but could not point to a text that told them their vile actions were justified, it would mean they didn't thumb their nose at the law specifically because of their belief in god; rather they thumbed their nose at the law because it satisfied a personal desire.
No atheist handbook told Joseph Stalin, "You shall build four gulags in the summer and four more in the winter." Many religious military generals, on the other hand, opened their book of choice nightly to remind themselves that each drop of innocent blood they spilled was extremely pleasing to their deity.
It's safe to say that many "religion-made-me-do-it" criminals would have failed to act inappropriately had they not been repeatedly told their cruel actions were noble. There's nothing atheistic that caused unbelievers to commit horrific acts, which means nothing could have been removed from their lives that would have resulted in a clean rap sheet. And an infusion of religion into the life of the aforementioned Joseph Stalin, for example, would have made it easier for the man to spread evil because most religious works promote monetary equality regardless of toil.
I'd also like to point out that most atheists don't mention the fact that mass cruelty has been perpetrated in the name of religion because we're attempting to convert the masses; we're simply warning everyone about the danger religion poses when it spreads from the church.
In addition to a reduction in stoning deaths of alleged adulterers and sexual assault victims, we'd like to prevent religious folks from forcing us to live by the many nonsensical rules in their books - whether or not they claim it is their sincere belief that such statutes further public safety. If you promise to keep your religion out of the voting booth, i.e., out of my house, public schools, and the place I'm trying to buy a bottle of vodka at 3:00 in the morning, I'll even help you recruit!
Whether we're talking mass murder or discrimination, the bottom line is that we need to focus on the complete elimination of cruelty. The best method for achieving our goal is to promote freedom, base laws on common sense, and stop heaping scorn upon individuals who follow said common sense laws, regardless of the sexual practices they carry out with other consenting adults.
Since I'm after only freedom and safety for all, I would like to put an end to the one-upmanship. I'm speaking specifically of Christian apologists who boast that religion has grown over the years while atheists will soon suffer the fate of the dinosaur. The majority of Saudi Arabians believe the practice of stoning alleged adulterers is righteous because that's what they've been taught by their religious elders. In other words, I'm not quite ready to concede I'm wrong simply because I'm in the minority.
Okay, now let's end the one-upmanship.
You Better Start Believing in God, Fatty
To my absolute delight, I recently discovered a website that argues atheism is evil. The site actually claims that failure to believe in a deity leads to obesity. Though I'm fairly certain this Christian-Conservative entity is not satirical, it's funnier than Charlie Sheen when he's not trying to be funny.
Most religious folks make the claim that atheists do bad things because we're atheists, while bad deeds done by religious folks are not related to their belief in a deity. Apparently we overeat, and sit down for long periods of time, simply because god is not inspiring us to put down our forks and stand up with the express purpose of eventually moving around rapidly.
"Very religious Americans make healthier choices than their moderately religious and nonreligious counterparts," the site contends.
Since they're speaking about "very" religious people, I actually agree with the above quote.
The "very" religious tend to get a lot of exercise swatting their children on the backside, which could be labeled a "healthy choice." As I mentioned in an early posting, an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church preacher challenged his adult congregation to start an exercise routine of their own. "If you're not bruising the child, you're not spanking the child enough," he said.
Since we atheists have no instruction manual encouraging us to leave marks upon our own flesh and blood, naturally we leave them physically unscathed. Instead of burning calories with each swat of our tot, we sit around getting fat watching them smile from ear-to-ear as they frolic and play.
Simply thinking about happy, un-bruised children makes me feel like I just ate a whole turkey. Who would have thunk humane punishments lead to portly parents?
On this same website, in a maneuver undoubtedly inspired by the Old Testament, a link is posted to a different site which contains photographs of several atheists. Please keep in mind that these non-religious men and women are not famous. Before clicking the link, everyone is instructed to pay close attention to the extra pounds the unbelievers carry.
Funny how a website arguing atheism is evil taunts everyday overweight people like schoolyard bullies taunt physically unimposing children the ruffians don't match up with intellectually. Even funnier, the site actually claims one thing has to do with the other.
In response to the horrific act of drawing attention to the excess girth on ordinary atheists, I will provide you with a link to the official site of a small Methodist Church in northwest Mississippi; specifically a page displaying a digital photograph of the fattest, most disgusting female treasurer you've ever laid eyes on. You may need to scamper to your local Best Buy to purchase a bigger monitor so every vile flap and fold will be visible. Seriously though, please keep a bucket near your desk to make sure there is a place to aim your lunch...
This lady so fat, when she goes to church she sits next to everybody.
This lady so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.
This lady so fat, when she sits around the church, she sits AROUND the church.
Wait a second, I actually won't provide such a link. I just remembered that I genuinely care about people with differing viewpoints and would feel rather bad about what I'd consider an immoral transgression, yet many Christians consider, "God's work."
Most religious folks make the claim that atheists do bad things because we're atheists, while bad deeds done by religious folks are not related to their belief in a deity. Apparently we overeat, and sit down for long periods of time, simply because god is not inspiring us to put down our forks and stand up with the express purpose of eventually moving around rapidly.
"Very religious Americans make healthier choices than their moderately religious and nonreligious counterparts," the site contends.
Since they're speaking about "very" religious people, I actually agree with the above quote.
The "very" religious tend to get a lot of exercise swatting their children on the backside, which could be labeled a "healthy choice." As I mentioned in an early posting, an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church preacher challenged his adult congregation to start an exercise routine of their own. "If you're not bruising the child, you're not spanking the child enough," he said.
Since we atheists have no instruction manual encouraging us to leave marks upon our own flesh and blood, naturally we leave them physically unscathed. Instead of burning calories with each swat of our tot, we sit around getting fat watching them smile from ear-to-ear as they frolic and play.
Simply thinking about happy, un-bruised children makes me feel like I just ate a whole turkey. Who would have thunk humane punishments lead to portly parents?
On this same website, in a maneuver undoubtedly inspired by the Old Testament, a link is posted to a different site which contains photographs of several atheists. Please keep in mind that these non-religious men and women are not famous. Before clicking the link, everyone is instructed to pay close attention to the extra pounds the unbelievers carry.
Funny how a website arguing atheism is evil taunts everyday overweight people like schoolyard bullies taunt physically unimposing children the ruffians don't match up with intellectually. Even funnier, the site actually claims one thing has to do with the other.
In response to the horrific act of drawing attention to the excess girth on ordinary atheists, I will provide you with a link to the official site of a small Methodist Church in northwest Mississippi; specifically a page displaying a digital photograph of the fattest, most disgusting female treasurer you've ever laid eyes on. You may need to scamper to your local Best Buy to purchase a bigger monitor so every vile flap and fold will be visible. Seriously though, please keep a bucket near your desk to make sure there is a place to aim your lunch...
This lady so fat, when she goes to church she sits next to everybody.
This lady so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.
This lady so fat, when she sits around the church, she sits AROUND the church.
Wait a second, I actually won't provide such a link. I just remembered that I genuinely care about people with differing viewpoints and would feel rather bad about what I'd consider an immoral transgression, yet many Christians consider, "God's work."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)