God Told Me to Tell You to Stop Using Drugs

There are more than a few so-called arguments against the legalization of drugs that tug at the heartstrings.

"I work with special needs children whose mothers abused drugs. If you could spend a day in my shoes, you would applaud the illegality of drugs."

While I have great admiration for anyone who dedicates their life to helping those unable to live independently, the above argument doesn't hold water.

Do you think good parents would all of sudden say, if drugs were legalized, "Put me down for five pounds of your finest cocaine!"

If murder were made legal, would normally good-natured individuals suddenly transform into killing machines?

And obviously the person working with special needs children of mothers who've abused drugs understands that there's a great demand for their services despite the fact that drugs are currently illegal?

The key is harsh punishment. We simply make drugs legal while severely punishing those who use them in ways that harm children. If a woman bears a child with disabilities directly resulting from her abuse of drugs, we throw her in jail for the remainder of her life. If a man played a part in said abuse, he goes in too. Maximum penalties for dealers caught selling to minors. Through negligence, if children gain access to drugs owned by their parents, we throw the parents in jail for eons. If someone is caught driving under the influence of drugs, we forever revoke their license on the off-chance they're still able to drive after being released from a maximum security pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Those who steal money, or physical possessions, with a plan to exchange said valuables for drugs, should also be punished harshly.

The reason the war on drugs has been so horrendously unsuccessful is because we do everything half-assed. Most junkies, drug dealers and impaired drivers get multiple opportunities to commit crimes. Their final offense usually has catastrophic consequences.

With harsh punishments, we could seriously reduce instances of expectant mothers abusing harsh drugs, dealers selling to children, and impaired drivers flying down the freeway.

If we were to legalize drugs, while throwing the book at those whose drug related actions led to the harming of innocence; the innocent would be protected, and those with a desire to destroy their own bodies would be free to do so.

As usual, it all comes down to religion. "God doesn't want us harming our bodies by using illegal drugs. Though not everybody shares my religious beliefs, I will nonetheless force them to abide by the same rules set forth by the unproven deity I choose to follow."

It's the same with prostitution. The only reason you can't legally pay fifty bucks for a quicky is because it goes against the teachings of a certain religion.

"But prostitution leads to disease and the abuse of women."

Only those willing to take the risk while not using every precaution made available by the fine folks at Trojan are likely to catch a disease. And, just as with my drug legalization proposal, if those convicted of abusing women or children faced serious consequences, offenders would not have multiple opportunities to commit crimes and the overall number of abuse cases would decline.

Despite disastrous consequences resulting from the illegality of certain behaviors, which are illegal solely based on their religious beliefs, opponents of drug and prostitution legalization refuse to even consider reversing their position.

They refuse to budge simply because being "anti-drug" makes them feel good. "Sure more people die thanks to my rigid stupidity, but I'm doing god's work!" they say while dreaming about the day they'll proudly saunter through the pearly gates still bloated from a life full of good intentions.