The Time of Year When Christians Get Offended By Silence

I almost wish my fellow atheists wouldn't have started their crusade to have Christmas related displays removed from public property and major retailers cease the practice of saying, "Merry Christmas" to their customers.

Because if there is one thing that annoys me more than hearing, "Merry Christmas" when I enter and exit local stores, it's hearing Christians whine because they don't hear "Merry Christmas" when they enter and exit local stores.

The same Christians, mind you, who say, "suck it up," to atheists who complain about lengthy prayers that take place before high school football games.

So we're supposed to, "suck it up" when we hear something objectionable, but you can't, "suck it up" when you don't hear a damn thing!

I can't wait to walk into the nearest electronics mega store and see a bunch of Christians on the ground hugging their knees in anguish after not hearing those two glorious words, "Merry Christmas."

Without constant reminders regarding which holiday is coming up, some will probably forget that purchasing Christmas gifts is the reason they're at the retail outlet. "Why do I have this list with, 'HDTV, Nintendo Wii and The Dukes of Hazzard – Season 1 on DVD' written on it? What could it all mean!?"

Boy you Christians have a lot of demands. "Only these people should be allowed to get married. Greet me with this phrase when I walk into your place of business between November 28th and December 26th, The Three Wise Men used in the Nativity scene on the courthouse lawn must be made from balsa wood and meet the following height and weight requirements, etc."

But what you don't understand is that we Atheists have never had what everybody is allegedly trying to take away from you!

Nobody, not once in my life, has greeted me in a way that celebrates my belief that there is no god. There is no evolution display equal to the Nativity scene that I can count on seeing annually during a particular month. I've never uttered the phrase, "Oooooo – I can feel that February chill coming – that means we'll soon be delighted with various scenes that depict little baby Darwin shortly after he was born in the Mount House, as well as hearing the neighborhood children sing melodious Darwinian carols."

There is no song that warms my cockles, sung to the tune of Carol of the Bells, which goes something like...

There is no god
Oh no there's not
Nothing up there
Except the sky
And also clouds

Don't get me wrong; your argument for inundating society with Christmas decorations is very persuasive.

Of course I'm talking about the argument in which you state, "There are a lot more of us Christians walking around the United States and the majority of the people who founded this country shared our faith."

I mean how can you possibly argue with, "We were here first; go discover your own country and draft a Constitution based on an Atheistic foundation if you want to express your anti-religious viewpoints on public property!"

I don't know, I suppose I just have a problem with the same people who say, "Stop being so politically correct by getting offended over a few hurtful words," becoming irate after not hearing a single word at all.

Your Dinner is Getting Cold

I've never consumed a cold meal that was intended to be eaten warm. Once the food is put in front of me I eat it. I don't take time to pray to a being that doesn't exist while icicles form around my warm rolls.

I don't understand why such a loving Being makes it so hard for you to enjoy life. Because He riddled the world with unsightly weight gain your God makes it impossible for you to savor a good steak, a chocolate malt or nice candy bar.

Not only does He want you to eat healthy food, which displeases the pallet, He wants it to be ice cold.

One of the reasons the microwave business has taken off in such a way is because people say Grace before dinner. "Honey, go heat up the potatoes, Grandpa went on too long praying that Pep Boys would have that part for his RV when he goes into town tomorrow morning."

As families continue to get bigger, prayers are getting longer: "Please let George make it home from Iraq, help Janice's team win their softball game, heal the rash on Peter's left thigh, make Suzie's boyfriend realize he needs counseling before he seriously hurts someone, blah, blah, blah..." After all that, the meal someone has slaved over is ice cold and more work is needed to make it edible.

Why must you pray before the meal? It's the only time during the day when praying will have a negative effect on what you're doing: eating hot food.

If you prayed before you brushed your teeth, the toothpaste would taste the same. The dental floss wouldn’t have altered in any way. Even your mouthwash would not be affected - unless you count the slight chance it would go out of date mid-prayer.

And it doesn't even make sense to pray before eating. Afterward you can pray about changes you would like to see for your next meal. You could pray that the chicken be tenderer, or for God to infuse your spouse with greater culinary skill while he or she slept.

Better yet, why don't you just pray in church on Sunday to bless every meal you eat for the rest of the week? After all, prayer should be kept in church. That way you're sure not to offend anyone with whom you're breaking bread, and more importantly, your food will be eaten in the manner by which God intended.

See what I did there!